Wednesday, June 25, 2014

In which I behave irrationally and snap at my totally well-meaning husband

So, Daniel has a friend at church who has become his prayer partner. Once per week they send each other prayer requests. Daniel's email comes to my iPod, so I see these messages (yes, the prayer partner is aware that I see them). And for a couple of weeks Daniel was asking the friend to pray about what I should do now that I'm done with the grad certificate.  I joked to people that he wanted me to do something with this $12,000 midlife crisis of mine.  And I honestly was joking.  At first.

And then I kept having conversations with people about Vivian going to school in the fall and everyone (again, totally innocently and well-meaningly) would ask what I was going to do with my time. Was I going to get a job?  Go back to school again?  What was I going to do with this new chapter of my life!

All totally logical questions and probably ones I would have asked a friend without really thinking about it, but for some reason being asked one of those questions just one more time yesterday pushed me over the edge.  And I had a total freakout in the evening and Daniel got caught in the crossfire.

For starters, I have a job.  It's not a paying job, but it's one I love and that I'm good at and that fulfills me professionally. And that produces some pretty cool travel opportunities for our family.  And I'm looking forward to spending more time finding and writing about cool things in the area for other families to do. 

Other than that though, I don't know.  And I was sort of okay with that, but then the questions made me start thinking that maybe I shouldn't be okay with the idea of just taking a year to evaluate and pray and spend time in the kids' classrooms and enjoy not having 4 million balls in the air all at once.  But maybe it's wasteful of me to have not one, but two advanced degrees that I am doing absolutely nothing with. Maybe I SHOULD know what I want to be when I grow up by now!

I said all of that last night to Daniel. In no sort of understandable form. I think he was more than a little concerned and was wishing he had someplace to be. 

I'm just feeling kind of lost and pointless all of a sudden. All these questions about what's next plus the fact that it's summer and with Ethan around it's almost impossible to get anything concrete accomplished and my whole day is just a non-ending pile of magically regenerating laundry.  Is this all my life is going to be from now on?

Ugh.  I hate being a grownup.  

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