Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Counting the costs

I am a terrible stay-at-home mom.  I just am. I love my kids, but I am a hyper, type A personality that is insanely goal oriented. If I don't have something concrete to accomplish, I wont accomplish anything at all. Oh, and most kids' games make me insane.  Fortunately my kids are so close developmentally that they're happier with just each other anyway and I can just drop by their playroom for some storytimes. Unfortunately, I also from "sure, I can do one more thing!" syndrome and to cope with not working at my old job, I took on a lot of other random things.  

I've had a lot of balls in the air for almost 2 years now.  And some of them finally started getting dropped.  Apparently I'm not invincible after all.  During my parents' last visit, they kept gently suggesting that perhaps I was more discouraged and down than they would like to see.  My parents have always encouraged me to follow through with things I start, so it spoke volumes when I said that I was quitting grad school after this term.  I will finish with a graduate certificate, but physically and emotionally I cannot continue on as planned.

I've learned a lot in the classes that I've taken and I've found new topics that I care about passionately and things that I never knew I would enjoy. I didn't suspect that I had a secret love for studying Constitutional Law and American Political Thought.  Those classes challenged me, but they thrilled me in ways that nothing I've studied before in all my years of school have done. But some of the other classes have been more challenging on an emotional level and it's taken a toll on me, a person who has struggled with depression for years and who has a low ability to cope with other people's pain. 

I've become snappy with my kids and so tired by the end of my days that I have nothing left for my husband.  I can't tell you when I last wanted to hang out with friends or even bothered to contact anyone other than a comment on Facebook. I just haven't had anything left to contribute.

I don't know what God has next for me and what I'm to do with these newfound passions and interests. Maybe nothing for a while. And that's okay.  I'm not sorry for these last two years, but I'm glad the end is only 5 weeks away.  5 incredibly busy weeks, but just 5 weeks all the same. Deep breaths.

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