Wednesday, May 8, 2013

In which I feel like a failure and then get annoyed at myself for feeling like a failure and feel worse.

Three years ago I ran in the Free Them 5K, a race that raises funds and awareness to fight human trafficking. That event pretty much turned my life upside down and led to me applying for grad school to study public policy.  It's a really important event to me and I believe in it thoroughly.

Except it's coming up this Saturday and I do not want to run it.  Correction, I don't want to show up and have to walk it, because the main thing that has not been making the cut on my to-do list is exercise. I was doing pretty well until the great plague of March, and then I just never got back into it. And now we're just a few days out and I'm going to be lucky to just walk the 5K.

But then I get annoyed at myself for beating myself up about that.  And the vicious cycle of feeling like a failure continues. 

I'm not even dealing with grad school right now, but for some reason I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Post-semester stress disorder?  :)  I don't actually even have that much going on right now and I generally get my to-do list finished every day, and occasionally I even remember that dinner exists and that I have to cook it before 7 PM (not often, but occasionally). 

I wish I could cut myself some slack. I just can't seem to convince my brain that it's okay to not be great at everything.  I just want to do everything perfectly and get so upset at myself when I can't. Or in this case, when I was lazy and didn't put effort into something that matters to me.

UGH. 

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