For the past few months, I've been noticing more and more grey hairs when I look in the mirror. And when I look in the mirror I also see a fat person who can't get her act together and lose weight. Yes, I've started running again, but that never seems to translate to weight loss for me and I've been feeling lumpish lately. Yes, I know how to lose weight, I've done it before. But this time around I just keep sabotaging myself.
Those are the general thoughts I was having as I got dressed yesterday to go run errands with the kids. Not happy with my hair, hating how all my clothes fit. Etc, etc. Which is when Vivian ran in the room and asked if she could wear a headband. Because, as she said, "I want to look like Mommy."
I managed to bite my tongue just in time, before saying something like "oh no, you wouldn't want to look like Mommy." Because that's what I wanted to say. That's why it was hard to smile at her and why I ached all day, every time I saw that headband in her hair.
I don't want to mess my daughter up. She's getting so many confusing messages, with an overweight mom and an underweight dad and a brother who has a feeding tube, and who has always been allowed whatever food he wants, no matter if it's unhealthy, because it has calories.
I feel like this is the area of parenting where I'm most failing lately. Other than the whole thing about actually obeying parents and not talking back and actually responding in the right way. We're also doing a stellar job of that. Oh wait.
This all makes me want to lie on the floor and kick and scream and yell "but I don't WANT to be a grown up! I don't WANT to make all these decisions and have all this responsibility!" Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.