Saturday, May 5, 2012

Fear and self loathing in Seattle

For the past few months, I've been noticing more and more grey hairs when I look in the mirror. And when I look in the mirror I also see a fat person who can't get her act together and lose weight.  Yes, I've started running again, but that never seems to translate to weight loss for me and I've been feeling lumpish lately. Yes, I know how to lose weight, I've done it before. But this time around I just keep sabotaging myself.

Those are the general thoughts I was having as I got dressed yesterday to go run errands with the kids. Not happy with my hair, hating how all my clothes fit. Etc, etc.  Which is when Vivian ran in the room and asked if she could wear a headband. Because, as she said, "I want to look like Mommy." 

I managed to bite my tongue just in time, before saying something like "oh no, you wouldn't want to look like Mommy."  Because that's what I wanted to say. That's why it was hard to smile at her and why I ached all day, every time I saw that headband in her hair.

I don't want to mess my daughter up. She's getting so many confusing messages, with an overweight mom and an underweight dad and a brother who has a feeding tube, and who has always been allowed whatever food he wants, no matter if it's unhealthy, because it has calories. 

I feel like this is the area of parenting where I'm most failing lately. Other than the whole thing about actually obeying parents and not talking back and actually responding in the right way. We're also doing a stellar job of that. Oh wait.

This all makes me want to lie on the floor and kick and scream and yell "but I don't WANT to be a grown up! I don't WANT to make all these decisions and have all this responsibility!"  Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.


Maggie said...

I worry about this SO MUCH. I hate wondering how much of my own messed up-ness my kids are going to get, especially my daughters. Molly stands in the bathroom with me and wants to do her hair and put on moisturizer and makeup and I'm never sure HOW to do that and HOW to talk about how we look and wanting to indulge her girly side without overEMPhasizing her girly side GAAAAHHHHH.

Also, you were super cute in your dress and leggings the other day and shame on me for not saying so in the first place. CUTE.

BJ said...

First of all, God's grace covers sooo much more than our grace does. Try to keep that foremost in your mind. I've done the guilt game - a lot.

As far as instilling a good view of food/eating/body image, we need to do our best (good for you for biting your tongue on that one), and pray. I let my girls (5 & almost 7) be as girly or tomboyish as they like, on any particular day. I have a few rules about how much make-up they are allowed to wear in public (no bright red to church), but at home I let them play. When my 5-yr-old asks, "Now am I pretty?" after doing her hair or putting on lipgloss, I say, oh baby, you're so beautiful without all this. This is just fun for us - something girls get to do and enjoy, but it doesn't make us more beautiful. I also emphasize how much what's coming out from inside is what makes us beautiful or not.

Be encouraged. You are not going to get it ALL right. None of us will. We're a fallen race. But, with God's grace, and our best efforts, I think these blessings we've been given will turn out much better than we could imagine. (((Hugs)))

Lizzie said...

I'm right there with you. My mom had nothing nice ever to say about herself, and it's really hard not to get in that habit with Lu too... It's so hard.

BJ said...

I read this today and thought of you.