Thursday, March 22, 2012

I find being depressed to be very depressing

The thing that I dislike most about depression is how insidious it is. It creeps in slowly while I'm not watching and then one morning I wake up and wonder how I ended up at the bottom of a ditch.  Not a deep one, but definitely a ditch.

This is kind of my own fault. I've let us fall into a totally unstructured, nothing going on, no big projects or goals life lately, and that is not one where I deal well with things. When I don't have big things going on, I fixate on other stuff.  And I tend to see only negatives. Lately I've been feeling like a complete failure because of my inability to get up and go running in the morning (in my defense- when the alarm goes off, I wake to find myself snuggled in bed under blankets and next to my sleeping toddler baby girl and it's virtually impossible to leave such a snuggly situation. Especially to exercise). Or the fact that I haven't dusted the house in ages. Or the fact that Daniel's rheumatoid arthritis has been absolutely awful lately and he is miserable and I can't fix it.  And I can't make Ethan eat.  I want to FIX things.  I've been praying a lot lately for perspective and a better attitude, but it's a process, for sure.

So, when I get like this, I agree to crazy ideas. Like when I got an email from my old company this morning asking me if I could please do some on-call work for them because they're swamped.  I haven't had a whole lot of validation lately, and honestly, I was pretty good at my old job and I know there's praise to be had there. It's pathetic how quickly I agreed. It's probably a good thing though, as I do need to start getting back to using my brain and meeting deadlines before grad school starts at the end of August.

We're off to Canada this weekend for a brief visit that's mostly going to just involve eating. Dim sum when we arrive, dinner out for Daniel and I on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday (weeping) a few days early.  Probably more dim sum after church on Sunday.  I always come back from Canada in sodium overload. :)  Visiting the in-laws around a holiday or birthday is always a good thing though- love those red envelopes!

Anyway, the sun is shining today, so I need to drag my sorry self and my adorable daughter out to get some sun while we can.  Sun always makes things better!

1 comment:

Lizzie said...

I'm totally the same way - if I don't have a goal I fall into a "But what is life foooorrrrrrr???? What a worthless existanceeeeee!" ditch without even knowing I was going off the road. Hope the weather holds and things start looking up!