Thursday, March 31, 2011

I went

I went to the doctor this morning. She and the medical assistant were kind and listened.  I was honest about everything, even some things I didn't know I was prepared to admit.  She gave me a diagnosis that I was not surprised by and wrote some prescriptions and made some strong suggestions.

So now I need to find a therapist and wait for the pills to start working.  I told Daniel last night that it's been so long since I felt like myself that I don't even necessarily remember who I was.  I'm hoping that myself comes back soon though. I miss her.

And to you all- thanks for listening and encouraging. I appreciate it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Easter dresses!

Tuesday. AGAIN. Raining. AGAIN. UGH!!

So, I believe that yesterday was more evidence that birthdays kind of lose meaning and get less exciting the further you get on the other side of age 30.  Daniel and I have been mid "discussion" for days now, so we're getting along less than spectacularly. You know what I mean- every marriage has that one issue that never gets resolved and pops up at the most inopportune moments and never gets any less annoying.  Anyway, so we were being irritated with each other yesterday and the day was otherwise just your run-of-the-mill Monday. Oh, except I got up and ran almost 4 miles in the morning. Which is HUGE, because on my 33rd birthday I could run about 2 feet and on my 34th birthday I ran far!  Go me!!!

This morning I got an email from a friend, bemoaning the fact that she's gone from being down 3 pounds from her pre-pregnancy weight to up seven whole pounds! I laughed and told her that I was currently up somewhere around 34 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, and my youngest is 22 months. Hers is 5 months old. Then another friend, with an even younger baby said on Facebook that she only has three pounds to go to her pre-pregnancy weight.  It's apparently torture Carrie with thinness day :)

So, I started worrying about whether I'll ever lose weight, and then that went to "oh no, I only have a month before Easter and will I be able to fit into any of my dresses?" stressing. And then I realized that it doesn't matter what I wear as long as the kids look cute enough! So then I dragged a bunch of dresses out of Vivian's closet and made her try them on so that I can decide which one to put her in.  She was not thrilled, but I managed to get a couple of pictures. Any votes?
This one is the most "Easterish" but she likes it the least

But seriously, so cute!

This one is pretty, but not as fancy. It is the smallest, so I need to get her wearing it for regular church soon, if not for Easter

I want to learn to dance the Charleston or something when I see her in this. It's a 3T though, so she'll be able to wear it for a while. And again, not as fancy as the first one.

But seriously, I can't stand the cuteness!

Oh, and because he's cute too, even if his clothes are WAY more boring :)



Sunday, March 27, 2011

One last day of being 33

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I turn 34 in exactly 13 hours. Seriously, how did I get to be in my mid-30s already?  I've decided that I think I can put off admitting that I'm an adult for another year though, right? Real adulthood doesn't need to start until 35 or so.  Possibly later. Will reconsider next year.

It's Sunday morning and Daniel's off at church alone, as he was the only one not coughing this morning. I think we're all probably fine, but we accidentally exposed people last week when we went to church just pre-sickness.  So we opted to separate for the morning so that I could enjoy another rainy morning at home with the lovely little ones.  We WILL be leaving the house this afternoon. Or at least I will.  Or else I might  not make it to 34.

In addition to trying to figure out what to do this afternoon, I'm also trying to figure out what flavor cupcake I want for my birthday.  Seriously, when your sugar intake is limited to special occasions, this is a VERY important decision. Oh, and I'm trying to figure out whether Ethan has school tomorrow. The newsletter from his teacher, that she sent back in February said no, but no one else in the district seems to be off tomorrow or to have early dismissal, so I'm confused.  Pretty much everything about public school confuses me though, so this is nothing new.

Now back to the cupcake flavor contemplation- must choose well! :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Even my 3-year-old knows that stealing things is wrong

My corner of the blog world has been in quite an uproar the past couple of days- over misappropriated blog content.  A local blogger discovered that some of her posts had been copied, word for word and posted in their entirety on another site.  The site did give her credit and linked to her blog, but never asked her permission or told her what had been done. And the site is running ads, so presumably it made some money off of people reading the post.

My reaction this morning was along the lines of- "how awful" and "thank goodness I'm not the one having to decide what to do in this situation". And then I went and looked at the site in question, as did a number of other bloggers.  And guess what? Our posts had been reposted too.

Now, while I'm fairly certain this site didn't make much money from advertising on my purloined blog entry (given the fact that there are a few people who read my blog posts, and the post in question got no comments when posted here originally), it is still wrong.  You don't take someone's work and repost it without their permission on your own site. It's called copyright law and yes, it applies to blog posts.

Seriously, it's a good thing there's sushi on the menu for dinner tonight- it's been one heck of a week!

Apparently Mommy needs a reminder

For the most part, when we're talking with Ethan about Vivian, we tend to call her Baby instead of use her name.  Which is kind of funny, since she's almost as big as he is and she's almost 2, but whatever.  I also use "baby" as a term of endearment when speaking to Ethan and Daniel.

Yesterday, Ethan finally had to speak up about this.  He came up and said "Mommy?" and when I said "What's up, baby?", he looked at me with a very sincere (and slightly concerned) look on his face and said "No, Mommy, it's Ethan!" He's been saying it for a while, but it took me until yesterday to realize that he thought I was confused about who I was talking to and that he needed to remind me of who he was. Poor kid!

Daniel and I tried to explain to him that Mommy calls other people "baby" other than Vivian, and that her name isn't actually Baby, but I don't think he believes us :)

Friday!!!

This week. So long. So boring. Seriously, I talked to my 84-year-old grandmother yesterday and at that point her week had been more exciting than mine. And she only left her house ONCE.  Thankfully I got to leave the germy ones at home with Daniel last night and went to a video game launch party and drank wine and chatted with a blog friend, so that was fun.

Speaking of the germy ones, I actually took them to the doctor today.  Other than well child visits and things related to Ethan's weight, in his entire almost 4 years of life, Ethan's gone in only twice. Vivian's never been to the doctor for things other than well baby visits.  So me taking them to the doctor is a pretty momentous thing to do. 

And it was good that we did go in, because Dr. Google was right, and in their case the oozing from their eyes was a sign of a sinus infection.  Ethan also has a full-on ear infection in one ear and a minor infection in the other.  Vivian's ears were fine, but the rest of her was full of sinus infection. So we're doing our first-ever round of antibiotics here and hoping for the best. 

The other stressful thing today was that Ethan weighed in at under 27 pounds.  I just can't even cope with this fact and am wishing very hard that I didn't have to be a grownup right now.  Seriously.  I am SO tired of watching his weight and watching him eat only a tiny bit. And I'm tired of pushing the high calorie drinks on him, but if I don't, the number on the scale just drops and drops.  Therapy and school are helping a good bit, but then he gets a cold or gets a stomach flu and stops eating and it's all downhill from there. Feeling very overwhelmed by this situation right now and praying for a miracle.

Thank goodness it's Friday. And the sun is shining.  And my birthday is on Monday! Reasons to smile!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Halfway through the week

On Sunday we were all well, so went to church. By Sunday evening, Ethan was showing signs of a cold. Kept him home from school on Monday. He seemed fine by Monday evening, so we thought maybe it was just allergies and sent him to school on Tuesday. By Tuesday evening it was clear that he is not fine. Today he was home very sick and I'm feeling guilty about all the people we've potentially exposed to his cold germs. 

So anyway- we're mostly quarantined here at the house, coughing on each other.  But, we just went out for a walk and IT'S GORGEOUS!!! I was in a light jacket and was too warm. I wanted to dance and twirl in the sunshine, but there were so many other people out and about as well that I didn't :)

My doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment, so I'm back on track for that. After they canceled before, I did not reschedule, but I took this as a sign and accepted the appointment. Next week. We'll see how it goes. 

On weight-related news, after several weeks of eating almost entirely vegetarian AND doing Weight Watchers, I've gained 5 pounds. I cried.  And Ethan has lost a pound, back down to 27 pounds.  I also cried when I saw that.  He's eating a little, but not enough to gain or even maintain his weight, so we're back to chasing him around with the nutritional supplement and begging him to eat all the time. He's definitely making progress with therapy, but not enough.

And on another not cheerful note, it looks like Daniel's aunt has just a few days left.  When we were there 10 days ago, the doctors were saying 2-3 months, but she's gone down hill quickly. From our perspective, it seems like she was waiting for her sister to arrive, and when her sister got there last weekend, all the goodbyes had been said. It's interesting to see the power of the human spirit in situations like this. Aunt is tired and in pain and she's said her goodbyes and now she's ready for Heaven. 

My goodness, that is a depressing blog post.  Sorry. Tomorrow should be better though- we're going to a video game launch party in the evening.  So there's fun and cheerful posts to come!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Running

Other than my runs with Vivian in the jogging stroller, since I started running again, things are going well. I'm on week 4 of the Ease into 10K program, and probably could be further along without much difficulty. As long as I remember to stretch well, I'm fine. It's all a battle with my shortened calf muscles, since I've worn heels almost every day of my adult life. Yes, even as a stay-at-home mom, I wear heels- I can't walk well without them!

So I'm planning to run a 5K in June (yes, another one, but it doesn't have a 10K option, but does have chocolate and champagne! post-race).  And I LOVED the Aflac Iron Girl race last fall, so I'm thinking that will be first 10K, in September, 2011. Enough time to prepare, not enough time to chicken out.

In related news, we made it around Green Lake (2.8 miles) in only 2 1/4 hours today. Toddler insisting on walking and preschooler on Strider bike do not equal speed, but do equal cuteness and hopefully night-through tiredness!
Checking out the flowers

Ethan's turn to be amazed by the flowers. He was also confused by the sunshine all day.

It's Spring!

SO freaking annoying

Okay, I'm going to be honest here. I'm 5 feet tall, of almost 100% German descent, and in the past four years, I had two kids, via c-section. Please, stop for a minute and visualize how I must look. Then add 40 pounds.  Lately I feel like I'm at war with my body. I try to count points, I try exercising- whatever I do, I end up discouraged and feeling fat.

Mostly because I am married to Mr. 125-pounds-on-good-day-man.  Seriously, Daniel is tiny. He doesn't like sugar, he doesn't eat dairy, and he's 100% embracing this new vegetarian lifestyle. So much so that today, whein we were out with the kids, he had to put Ethan down for a minute because he had to pull up his pants.  Seriously.  As I stood there, solidly fitting into my almost-plus-size-jeans, my beloved, who has been eating junk food for lunch, but my vegetarian meals for dinner, GOT EVEN SKINNIER.   And my scale has not budged. 

Seriously, I love Daniel with all of my being, but my birthday is coming up fast, and if he manages to lose a bunch of weight on this vegetarian diet and I am still the same fat mess that I am now? IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY. I need to get this man some fried foods. Stat.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Facebook makes the world a small place

Back a few years ago, I ended up connecting on Facebook with a high school classmate. I'm fairly certain that we never actually spoke in high school (it was a very large school) or had any classes together, but I knew who she was and she knew who I was. Oh, and we now live within 1/2 a mile of each other. In Seattle, 3000+ miles from where we went to high school. Most days, she stops for coffee on her way to work at the coffee shop across the street, so most days I see her first thing in the morning.  It's very strange.

And it got stranger this week, again, thanks to Facebook.  I have a friend (in real life this time, not just on Facebook), that I met a couple of years ago, through this blog. I can't remember the details at this point, but the point is that we met and hang out occasionally and also chat on Facebook.

This past weekend, my blog friend added a new friend to her Facebook list- and I realized the name looked familiar- and when I checked, I realized that it's the sister of my high school friend (so presumably we probably also went to high school together!).  So my blog friend (who has no connection to our high school or hometown) is friends with my high school classmate's sister. I find this kind of small-world thing to be very weird. 

Possibly I find it weird and blogworthy because my week so far as consisted of cold medicine and staying indoors, out of the insane torrential rain.  There is that possibility :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sick

During a visit with a friend last week, I stupidly said the phrase "yes, we've all actually been healthy for the last month or so. It's great!" Which is, of course, the cue for any bored-looking germs to make a beeline for my home.  On Friday I thought I was getting my usual spring allergies, since they tend to kick in around early March, and the pollen count thing said that tree pollen (my trigger) was high. So I didn't think anything about going to Canada on Saturday and visiting the hospice floor and spending time with oodles of Daniel's relatives. Because, after all, it was just an allergic runny nose. 

Unfortunately, it's now clear that I in fact have a cold, so I'm just hoping I wasn't too infectious this weekend.  I'm also single handedly keeping the facial tissue folks in busines. Oh, and counting the minutes until Daniel gets home from work. Poor guy left at 4:50 and as of 5:50 had made it FOUR WHOLE MILES.  So it might be a while. Fortunately the kids aren't being any worse than usual, so I think we'll all make it.

In other news, we're experimenting here with going mostly vegetarian. It's something we've been thinking about for a while, then I reviewed a really interesting book for the review blog, so I think we're going to give it a shot.  Just Daniel and I for now, of course, since my kids lately are surviving on chicken nuggets and I'm certainly not going to mess with their diets.

I do realize this is pretty much the least interesting blog post you have ever read :)  I just needed to have some connection with the outside world, since we've been and probably will be homebound and solitary for a while.  Stay healthy, everyone!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Saying goodbye

This weekend I went for a fabulous run in the pouring rain (but without Vivian in the jogging stroller and my legs cooperated, so all was well! Hurray!) on Saturday morning, then loaded up the car and headed north to Canada. And traffic was great, despite the pouring rain for 2/3 of the drive and the border crossing was super fast and we made it to Vancouver in great time.  I am SO grateful for kids who are so good in the car.

Once we got to Vancouver though, things were tough. Daniel's aunt is on the hospice floor of the hospital downtown, so the kids couldn't go along. So Daniel, his dad and I went on the 25 minute car trip to the hospital while the kids stayed with their grandmother. I'm good in hospitals, but I still panicked a little when Daniel's dad put 1.2 hours worth of money in the parking meter outside the hospital.

And it was heartbreaking. His aunt has lost so much weight and is SO obviously exhausted. And even though she barely speaks English, so we've never actually had a real conversation, when I walked in her hospital room and saw her, I started tearing up.  As did Daniel, but he pulled himself together when his uncle walked back in the room. We stood around and chatted for an hour- most of the time they were chatting in Cantonese, so I was trying (by the way, I'm ADD, so staying on task is not my strong point) to look interested but not bored, because I knew that would stress them out more, while understanding almost nothing. I just kept staring at Daniel's uncle and thinking about what an amazing husband he is (they've been married almost 54 years) and how hard this must be on him. And looking at Daniel's dad, and having no idea what it feels like to watch a much beloved sibling dying.

I have no frame of reference for this situation. Up until now, I've lost a few close relatives, but never when I was around, and never from a prolonged illness. Since Daniel and I got together, we lost his 90+ year old grandmother from sudden death (from old age), my great-aunt (in a float-plane accident) and his uncle (from being hit by a car while walking to the store). I've never lost someone from cancer, and neither has Daniel. This saying goodbye to a person who is still living, although clearly very ill, is so unexpected and challenging.

Today his aunt had a day pass from the hospital to come home, and we were able to go to her  apartment for a few minutes with the kids in tow. Ethan freaked out, even in a familiar environment, which is super unusual for him. He clung to Daniel and refused to even look at anyone else. Vivian sat on my lap and didn't interact until it was time to blow kisses goodbye. We're thinking that the kids could feel that things weren't really normal at Aunt and Uncle's house. 

Daniel's thinking about trying to make another visit up to see his aunt in the next month or so, but without us in tow.  Understandable.  My heart breaks for him and the rest of the family. As I said, I've never been through this long goodbye before. Watching them I'm so sad, and I can't imagine how difficult it is, living it first hand.

Seriously, it's 2011, how do we not have cancer beat yet?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Tears

I keep trying to not watch the coverage of what's going on in Japan- so seriously heartbreaking.  My family's prayers are with the people of Japan today. I can't imagine how terrible it must be to be living through such a natural disaster.  I do have several friends from Japan and so far their families are accounted for and fine, praise God.  And in a weird bit of timing, my home fellowship leader flew off yesterday to Tokyo to spend his spring break on a longawaited trip to Japan. He's also safe, but I imagine this isn't the trip he had planned.

We're off to Canada this weekend to spend a little bit of time with Daniel's aunt, who has late stage, terminal cancer. Trips to Canada tend to be stressful under good circumstances, so I'm not exactly looking forward to this one.

And my doctor's office just called to let me know that my doctor is actually going to be out next week and for several weeks after that. I cried when I hung up the phone. In theory I could see someone else in the office, but it was terrifying enough to think of talking to my doctor who has known me for years and also cares for my husband and kids, so she really understands the whole story and my personality. Talking to a stranger seems pointless and there's just no way I can do that.

Not my most cheerful post, ever. Sorry.

In good news, Ethan is doing GREAT at therapy and in school and is actually eating and we're so encouraged and hopeful.  Definitely a miracle happening there. We're very, very, glad.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I may or may not have Winnie-the-Pooh stickers in my hair right now

I think I got most of the stickers out of my hair, but I may have missed a few. We're very well decorated at my home this morning!

Selecting stickers for her bear. Who also has a hair clip in. Vivian demanded it :)
Nicely decorated

Hugs



Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Thank you

Thank you so so so much to all of you who commented on my last post. I really needed that. I'm so incredibly blessed with an understanding, laid back husband who loves me no matter what I do, but right now I need a shove. Which is where you guys come in.  I cannot imagine being in this place and dealing with the stuff that is going on in my head without other mom blogs and my readers.  I know it's hard to bare your struggles to the world, but I am so grateful for other moms who go online and admit that yes, we're so blessed, but this life place is SO HARD.

I told Daniel tonight that I feel a little insane right now, because I'm actually hoping that there's something physically wrong with me. More than just going from a professional person to stay-at-home-mom angst. And, given the other physical symptoms that I have going on (it's not just about being depressed, there's NO way I would go to a doctor for that alone. I do not go doctors unless in really bad shape), I think that there probably is a hormonal imbalance of some sort. Or maybe thyroid? I need medical advice now!!! Only one week to go.

On a completely different note, we've been watching tons of Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations since getting Netflix on our Wii. And it is totally to blame for my recent weight gain. TOO MUCH YUMMY-LOOKING FOOD!  It's virtually impossible to watch this show without needing a snack. Or three. Seriously, watching it now and am so hungry!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Motivation

I don't know if it's because of the weather, or because my parents had to go home and left me with these crazy little kids again, or hormones, or depression, or a combination of all of the above, but my head's been a pretty gloomy place lately. Of course, by lately, I mean for about the past three and half years, and particularly the last year. 

Since I'm not close to many people these days, I've been pretty able to hide this.  The only people that really know are you guys and Daniel. And yes, many of you have encouraged me to chat with someone about this, but you're on the internet and I can ignore you :)  Daniel, poor guy, has been bearing the brunt of this issue, but he's not one to push me to do anything.  Honestly, I think he's a little scared of me sometimes.

So I've been pretending that things aren't that bad and that the fog will lift and that I can manage. But even I don't really believe that anymore.  My kids are getting older and they deserve a mommy who's not sad and discouraged all the time.  Last night I decided that I would finally make an appointment to see my doctor. It was hard to take that final step though. I had the "request appointment" screen up on my computer all morning.  (I have serious phone phobia, so LOVE the online appointment thing!)

Then I turned around and saw this in my living room:




Having a daughter scares me sometimes, but it's also motivating. More so than having a son, especially since my son more or less has his daddy's personality. Vivian is much different, much more like me in so many ways. And when I saw her literally trying to walk in my shoes, I went over to the computer and pressed the button to request an appointment. 

Unfortunately, my appointment isn't for over a week, so I have plenty of time to chicken out.  I hope I don't.  I'm scared I will.  We'll see what happens.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Definitely not my best run ever

As I mentioned a few days ago, this past weekend when Daniel and I were on our anniversary getaway, we ended up staying at a hotel connected to a big workout/social club.  So I had the opportunity to lace up my running shoes and go for a job around the track, both Friday night and Saturday morning. And it was fabulous! Indoor track, climate-controlled, water bottle sitting on a step on the side of the track, soft surface.  I bounded around the track in the middle lane, over and over passing the older people who were walking on the inside lane. I loved running on the track for so many reasons.

It will come as no surprise to any of you who have ever met me or who have been reading this blog for any period of time to hear that yes, I am more of a "running indoors in a climate controlled atmosphere" girl than a "running outside, where nature can touch me" type of girl.  But this morning Daniel got up at 6 and headed out in the rain at 7 so that I could keep the car.  So there was no getting out of loading up Vivian and the jogging stroller into the car and heading for Green Lake (a nearby lake with a just under 3 mile loop).

The first sign of disaster was that the elevator in our building was out, so I was tired by the time I got Vivian and the fairly heavy jogging stroller down three flights of stairs to the car.  And then I brought Vivian back up because I thought I'd forgotten the all-important iPod. Which I hadn't, it was in my pocket. So back down again to the car. 

Warm and cozy in her new jogging stroller
I was still hopeful for a good run, but it was definitely not in that category. It is cold here today and rainy and I had never used a jogging stroller before, so found myself all of a sudden having to run differently and it's hard! I felt like I was back at the beginning of my 5K training, having to make lots of stops to catch my breath. I'm not used to the fixed front wheel of the stroller, so that was interesting too. 

But we made it around the lake and the important thing is that we went out and tried. Vivian did great in her stroller and warm stroller insert thingy. She was so comfortable that she fell asleep at 9:30 while we were running and stayed asleep through the transfer from the stroller to car, and from car to home. She's actually still sleeping 90 minutes later. Apparently watching Mommy exercise is exhausting. :)

So, here I am AGAIN. Working on getting into an exercise routine...AGAIN.  Trying to get my snacking habits back on track. AGAIN.  I am not happy with myself for all the ways I keep slipping up, but I'm not giving up.  I will run a 10K this summer and I will get some of this weight off soon.

In which my 3 1/2 year old apparently needs to watch me more than I do him

As I've mentioned before, my parents are visiting- they arrived early last week and will be here until late this week. We've been doing a bit of everything- catching up with other relatives in the area, hanging out here, and dropping by the local museums.  One day last week we stopped by the Children's Museum to play.  As usual, the kids got out of the stroller when we entered the building, and went up to the desk to get their hands stamped. At the same time we were coming in, a large family was going out.  As per usual, I walked over to the stroller parking area, and the kids and my parents followed.

Or so I thought. We got to the stroller parking area (a few feet from the front desk), started taking off coats and mittens, and Ethan looked at us (three grown adults!) and said "Where's Baby?"  Sure enough, we'd lost Vivian in the few seconds since the hand stamps. Fortunately, she was just on the other side of the half wall, having gotten caught up with the family who was getting ready to leave.  So all was well. But seriously, I'm not sure when my parents and I would have noticed, if not for Ethan!

Then this morning I was getting the kids ready to head down to wait for Ethan's bus.  I got Ethan all dressed and ready with his backpack. And I got Vivian's clothes and coat and mittens on her, and turned to open the door. Which is when Ethan casually mentioned "Mommy, Baby needs shoes." Sure enough, I'd forgotten to put Vivian's shoes on her.

I'm supposed to be going running with Vivian this morning- but honestly, I'm a little scared to leave the house with her and without Ethan along to keep me in line!