Sunday, October 30, 2011

Emotional stretching

As I think most of you know, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression back in the spring. And I started going to therapy and taking medication, and I'm overall doing much better.  But I'm still not doing a good job of being in touch with my emotions or dealing with them. Over the last 15 years, I've become very disassociated from my feelings. It's just easier that way.  Not healthy, but much easier.

But sometimes I have no choice but to come in contact with emotions. The past three weeks have been especially emotional, starting with Ethan's surgery and recovery. A little stretching of the emotions there, although I also had to be strong and in charge and responsible for Ethan's health and feeding, so I could kind of ignore it then.

And then last weekend I spent Saturday at an anti-human trafficking conference.  Try not feeling emotions at a place like that.  Again, I was able to mostly just put aside my emotions and think about the practical side of things- what the group I'm involved with can be doing, how we can get more involved, how I can be physically doing more.  Emotions again successfully avoided.

Then this weekend I had the opportunity to attend Women of Faith here in Seattle. Two days of worshiping and laughing and crying and listening to women tell their stories on stage, and having my faith encouraged. All in a massive arena full of 5000 women.  By yesterday evening, my friend and I were utterly emotionally drained.  So many thoughts, so many feelings, so much input.  I came home last night feeling tireder than I was after I ran my 10K this fall. 

I told Daniel that attending the conference this weekend was like being dropped into an emotional marathon with almost no training.  This emotional, personal stuff is hard work.  But I'm glad that I went to Women of Faith- I heard so many things that I desperately needed to hear.  I got so many reminders that I don't have to do it all and I don't have to do it perfectly. I got reminders of God's ever present grace and love. I got reminded that I am beautiful in His sight. And I got the much, much needed message that, if I am still walking this earth, then God's purpose for me is not fulfilled. Even the small things that I do in life can have a profound effect in years to come.

And now I need a nap :)

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