My last post didn't come across right. In case you read it, I'm sorry. It's gone now. I think it read like I was looking for a purpose beyond being a mom and a wife and not feeling that that was enough. Which isn't what I was trying to say at all, it's kind of the opposite. I want to stop feeling like I'm missing something and that this is just a stopping point. I want to be able to embrace this and be the best mom and wife that I can be. But, sadly, that's not what I'm doing right now. A lot of the time I have a bad attitude or act like I'm missing something and don't appreciate this part of my life for the blessing that it is.
Part of the issue is that I have never once sat down and thought about what God has given me in the way of talents and dreams and how I can use my skills and abilities. Including within motherhood. Which is why I struggle so much with it, because I have this mental tape recorder playing that says "you're not maternal, you don't even really like kids." And I never shut that off and think about the skills that I do have and how I am a good mom. In every area of my life, I default to negative.
I think what it comes down to is the fact that I look at my life and see myself as a giant, unlovable failure. I do not think of myself as loved by God, I feel that I have let Him down by not enjoying being a mom more. I view my depression as a failure. And I can't get out of this mental loop until I sit down and really spend time seeing myself through God's eyes and viewing myself as someone who has a purpose for living, not just taking up space. Which is all I see right now. I have a husband who is 100% capable of doing everything I do at home, and most of it he can do better, and while that's a fantastic problem to have, even that's hard for me, since being a mom/taking care of the house isn't even something that I can particularly take pride in.
Ugh. I know this is all coming across wrong, and I don't mean anything I say here (ever) as a comment on anyone else's choices or lifestyles. I just am trying to figure out who I am, now that I'm done with the "expected" checklist and I'm not in the type of goal-oriented life anymore that I was so used to- and that, honestly, I thrived in. I need to figure out how to thrive in this life, not because of what I do, but because of who I am, a beloved daughter of God. I don't want to keep doing things just for the sake of doing them or try to find my happiness in checking things off a list or being busy, which would be the easiest fix for what I'm going through. I want to use this time to try to see who I am and who God has made me to be and understand that that is worth loving, even when I'm just folding the day's 1,785th load of laundry.
That all being said, when I do "do" things, I don't want them to just be things that I am expected to do or feel obligated to do, I want to do what God is leading me to do, within the picture of who He has made me to be. I want to live a full life, one that uses my life as a mom and wife and my personal passions (whatever they are) to be the person that I'm called to be. Right now I have no hobbies, no goals, and no dreams. When I look out beyond the evening of the current day that I'm in, I just see a grey horizon stretching on forever. And that is no way to live.
I don't want to wimp out on this part of my life, as I tend to do. There are definitely ways out that are easier than others, but I think those are just going to put me back on the "now what" track further down the road. I hope I can keep feeling the nudges to listen and explore and that I can stop listening to the negative voices and hear the voice of the One who loves me.