Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rephrasing my earlier post

My last post didn't come across right. In case you read it, I'm sorry. It's gone now.   I think it read like I was looking for a purpose beyond being a mom and a wife and not feeling that that was enough. Which isn't what I was trying to say at all, it's kind of the opposite. I want to stop feeling like I'm missing something and that this is just a stopping point. I want to be able to embrace this and be the best mom and wife that I can be. But, sadly, that's not what I'm doing right now.  A lot of the time I have a bad attitude or act like I'm missing something and don't appreciate this part of my life for the blessing that it is.

Part of the issue is that I have never once sat down and thought about what God has given me in the way of talents and dreams and how I can use my skills and abilities. Including within motherhood. Which is why I struggle so much with it, because I have this mental tape recorder playing that says "you're not maternal, you don't even really like kids." And I never shut that off and think about the skills that I do have and how I am a good mom. In every area of my life, I default to negative.

I think what it comes down to is the fact that I look at my life and see myself as a giant, unlovable failure.  I do not think of myself as loved by God, I feel that I have let Him down by not enjoying being a mom more. I view my depression as a failure.  And I can't get out of this mental loop until I sit down and really spend time seeing myself through God's eyes and viewing myself as someone who has a purpose for living, not just taking up space. Which is all I see right now. I have a husband who is 100% capable of doing everything I do at home, and most of it he can do better, and while that's a fantastic problem to have, even that's hard for me, since being a mom/taking care of the house isn't even something that I can particularly take pride in.

Ugh. I know this is all coming across wrong, and I don't mean anything I say here (ever) as a comment on anyone else's choices or lifestyles.  I just am trying to figure out who I am, now that I'm done with the "expected" checklist and I'm not in the type of goal-oriented life anymore that I was so used to- and that, honestly, I thrived in. I need to figure out how to thrive in this life, not because of what I do, but because of who I am, a beloved daughter of God. I don't want to keep doing things just for the sake of doing them or try to find my happiness in checking things off a list or being busy, which would be the easiest fix for what I'm going through. I want to use this time to try to see who I am and who God has made me to be and understand that that is worth loving, even when I'm just folding the day's 1,785th load of laundry.

That all being said, when I do "do" things, I don't want them to just be things that I am expected to do or feel obligated to do, I want to do what God is leading me to do, within the picture of who He has made me to be.  I want to live a full life, one that uses my life as a mom and wife and my personal passions (whatever they are) to be the person that I'm called to be. Right now I have no hobbies, no goals, and no dreams.  When I look out beyond the evening of the current day that I'm in, I just see a grey horizon stretching on forever. And that is no way to live.

I don't want to wimp out on this part of my life, as I tend to do. There are definitely ways out that are easier than others, but I think those are just going to put me back on the "now what" track further down the road.  I hope I can keep feeling the nudges to listen and explore and that I can stop listening to the negative voices and hear the voice of the One who loves me.


Karen said...

Oh my goodness, I understood what you were saying. Just adding a little food for thought in my comment. It's easy to feel like a failure when "success" in our culture is defined by visible accomplishment, high paying jobs, and prestigious position. Motherhood (in most cases) is none of those things.

I used to wrestle with all the same thoughts. Many days I still find myself wondering what the point is. Who in the world am I going to be and what will be left over of worth to anyone when my kids are grown up and gone? I don't have an answer, but God has a purpose in it and my (and your) value is not in what you do or aspire to do, it's the heart with which you accomplish it, Be patient, there's a plan. Don't apologize for searching, just be careful that the right One is leading your search. :)

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free." Eph 6:7

BJ said...

Carrie, I have struggled with similar emotions, and I have to say, I believe it is something most, if not all moms face at times. We're all our own worst critics. The "fun moms" wish they were more disciplined. The "strict moms" wish they were more spontaneous. We can't do it all. I have learned in my 11+ years of mothering, that I can only do my best. Not someone else's best. We all have different hurdles, personalities, conflicts, struggles, physical traits, etc. I think God looks at you - and me - and says in those moments when we feel like giant failures, hey, I like you! Great job! You're taking care of MY kids with the things I gave you, in the way I made you! If we can focus on how He sees us, you are right, we're better off. We'll only ever be ourselves. And somewhere along the way, I stopped fighting that, and most of the time now, I'm fine with that. Praying you can find that same sense of Him! (((hugs)))