Monday, April 4, 2011

Resolutions and realizations

I was in the car a lot on Friday and Sunday and on the bus on Saturday, so I've had a lot of time to think. And now I'm going to subject you all to my thoughts *insert evil laughter here :)*

Realization #1:  Daniel and I don't have many disagreements or issues, but we have some, and I have the hideous tendency to make them be his fault. And, since he's about as confrontational as a marshmallow, he kind of lets me believe that. But then everything changed last week and now that things are going better with me, I've had the disturbing realization that some of these ongoing issues are better. Which kind of makes them my fault. Whoops.

Realization #2: Part of the reason that it took me so long to go chat with my doctor is that I don't feel like I have any right to be depressed. If that makes sense.  I've not gone through any major tragedies, and our stresses lately have been real but haven't ruined our family or anything. Yes, my son is diagnosed as failure to thrive and may need a feeding tube soon, and yes, the rental property sucked up a large amount of our savings, but we're still standing. Ethan couldn't possibly have better doctors or therapists.

And I'm living what I know is a lot of people's dream, being a stay-at-home mom, with adorable, funny kids and a husband that would do anything for me. So what do I have to be depressed about.  I think that's why I kept just waiting and hoping to get better. And praying to get better.  But the truth is, whether it makes sense or I have a "reason" or not, it's true.  I don't know if it's the hormones from having kids so close together or trauma from Ethan's birth, or the life changes that came so fast over the past 5 years or a combination of everything or something else entirely. But this is real and I have to stop avoiding it. And I have to stop worrying about "why" and just deal with it in every way possible.

Realization #3: My kids are much cuter and their behaviors are SO much more funny and entertaining when I'm not living with a big black cloud over my life.

Realization #4:  I have no excuse for my extra weight.  According to the doctor, there's nothing physically wrong with me.  The reality is that I'm not 28 any more (the age I was when I last lost weight). My life is more sedentary and my metabolism is probably slower and I just have to deal with that and stop making excuses and change my bad habits and get my weight under control.. And I have to stop shooting dirty glances at the seriously underweight males in my family during dinner, when they are eating something yummy and I am eating yet another plate of veggies. It's not their fault and I must love them anyway and not eat all their chocolate.  

Resolution #1: As soon as I'm sure I'm feeling better and am capable of a conversation with smiles and undepressing topics, I'm going to have to go make some friends.  I'm just not a person who can spend 5 days a week, every week, talking only to my husband and the people at the grocery store.

Resolution #2: I'm going to run a 10K in September, come hell or high water.  I feel like I've really turned the corner with running lately- worrying less about what's going on around me and just staying in my head and making myself keep moving. I'm still freakishly slow, but I'm running distances that I never could have imagined running last year.  On Saturday, when I have a bit more time to run, I'm going to try running 10K on my usual training path.  Hoping for the best! 

Resolution #3: I'm going to find a way to be honest about what's going on in my life, when and where appropriate. Other than here, of course. You're all stuck with reading whatever I feel like, appropriate/wanted or not. Seriously, I'm not going to go around and introduce myself as "Carrie, the depressed girl", but I don't want to be hiding it either. I was so encouraged by people who left messages here or who were honest on their blogs/Facebook/whatever, and I think honesty is such an important part of helping each other as women.

In other, un-resolution/realization-related news, I just pulled out the iron to iron a shirt that Daniel bought yesterday, and Ethan looked confused and frightened and immediately asked "what is that, Mommy?" He's apparently forgotten what the iron looked like since this time last year when I last pulled it out of the closet. Wife of the year, right here :)

1 comment:

Amy Webb said...

Good for you for your honesty. Although I don't have depression, I know what you mean about not feeling like you have a right to be depressed. I definitely have my bad days (usually do to hormones) and I feel like I don't have a "right to" feel bad either. But I've come to understand that a certain degree of it is due to things outside my control--namely hormones and genetic tendencies towards anxiety. I would imagine the same is true for you. Glad you're feeling better, though. I don't comment often but I read your blog pretty often and can definitely relate to your struggles. Hope the good feelings continue!