Tuesday, March 8, 2011


I don't know if it's because of the weather, or because my parents had to go home and left me with these crazy little kids again, or hormones, or depression, or a combination of all of the above, but my head's been a pretty gloomy place lately. Of course, by lately, I mean for about the past three and half years, and particularly the last year. 

Since I'm not close to many people these days, I've been pretty able to hide this.  The only people that really know are you guys and Daniel. And yes, many of you have encouraged me to chat with someone about this, but you're on the internet and I can ignore you :)  Daniel, poor guy, has been bearing the brunt of this issue, but he's not one to push me to do anything.  Honestly, I think he's a little scared of me sometimes.

So I've been pretending that things aren't that bad and that the fog will lift and that I can manage. But even I don't really believe that anymore.  My kids are getting older and they deserve a mommy who's not sad and discouraged all the time.  Last night I decided that I would finally make an appointment to see my doctor. It was hard to take that final step though. I had the "request appointment" screen up on my computer all morning.  (I have serious phone phobia, so LOVE the online appointment thing!)

Then I turned around and saw this in my living room:

Having a daughter scares me sometimes, but it's also motivating. More so than having a son, especially since my son more or less has his daddy's personality. Vivian is much different, much more like me in so many ways. And when I saw her literally trying to walk in my shoes, I went over to the computer and pressed the button to request an appointment. 

Unfortunately, my appointment isn't for over a week, so I have plenty of time to chicken out.  I hope I don't.  I'm scared I will.  We'll see what happens.


Karen said...

Don't you dare chicken out.


Andrea said...

I'm in the same boat. And ONLY my poor husband knows about it.

You're not alone.

kirida said...

awww, don't chicken out, Carrie. The fog will lift.

jennyonthespot said...

Oh sweetie... do it. You won't chicken out... People say "It's a season"... and it is. Sometimes the winter drags on, but there is spring. Keep that appointment <3

Jennie said...

I'm proud of you, not that I have any reason to be, but doing this (for yourself, for your daughter, for whatever) is so strong, so right, so brave.

Hugs, you.

Emma said...
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Emma said...

I have to comment because I LOVE your blog! Mostly because whenever I feel like a bad mum, I am reminded that we're all human and other people are going though similar trials in their lives. Its too easy to see the external "perfection" of other mothers (friends who's births were better than mine, who's breastfeeding was easier than mine, who's bodies don't even look like they've had kids, who's children sleep better than mine. I tried visiting my Dr about my issues and she basically gave me the brush off. I've not had the guts to go back. I hope your appointment is productive and please know that you're not the only one out there!