Last Thursday I was having A DAY. I think you all know what kind of A DAY. One where the kids can seem to do no right and everything the husband says and does is JUST ANNOYING. By noon I was thoroughly tired of them all and sort of dreading our long week of togetherness ahead. Add in to that the fact that I was discouraged about finances (nothing like paying the bills on December 23rd!) and just was generally in a lousy mood.
Ethan was sitting at the table, lining up his crayons, and he looked at me and said. "God is with you." Seriously, I stopped in my tracks. He says that a lot- it is the last half of the preschooler version of Isaiah 41:10 that his class memorized last month. But what timing. I needed the reminder- both that God was watching my snotty mood and that He is with us in these challenging times.
Today I got another dose of Ethan's reminders, right when I needed it. Two, in fact. Daniel and I were having a "discussion" earlier today. Things have been rough on us, and our marriage has been under a lot of strain during this year. We know this and we're doing everything we can to improve it, but there are still days when it's hard. This afternoon, Ethan brought out his second favorite theological thought "MessGodControl". We taught him a few months back about God being in control of the messy situations, if we ask Him for help. That's really stuck with Ethan, and he likes to bring that one out a lot too.
This evening's reminder was the toughest to hear, but also the most needed. We talked to his GI doctor at Children's today. She had talked to Ethan's primary care doctor earlier today and they agreed that we need to move forward with the next stage of tests (the ones done under anesthesia). Which we knew was coming. But what we weren't entirely ready for is that they want us to consider having a NG tube put in while he's under. The thought of my baby with a tube running from his stomach to outside his nose... let's just say it's hard to breathe normally when I have such mental pictures and thoughts. It's for a good reason and probably very necessary since he eats less than a toddler on a good day, and stops eating completely at the slightest problem. But still, a really hard thing to contemplate. I think the doctor could tell that I was wavering (I said Daniel and I would talk it over and call her back in a few days), when she broke out with "we're just worried that his limited calorie intake is going to affect his brain development."
So many emotions at once now- worrying that we didn't do enough, that we didn't push the nutritional supplement enough, that I should have done more of the therapy exercises, that I did something wrong when I was pregnant with him, that the sensory issues are inherited from me...
That was all running through my mind when Ethan and Vivian were eating dinner and chatting about whatever a 1-year-old and 3-year-old chat about. Ethan eventually made his way to his amusing version of "Away in a Manger", which I was very much enjoying. That's when he looked at me and said "Mommy, sing Jesus song". So I started in on "Jesus Loves Me" and made it to the line "they are weak but He is strong" and burst out crying. I told Ethan that Mommy couldn't sing anymore right then and walked off to get myself under control.
I hate the fact that I need to be reminded about God's control by my preschooler, but I'm thankful that God works in mysterious ways. That being said, we could really use continued prayers here- the decision about the NG tube is tough- the rental situation is still ongoing, and tonight Ethan snapped his glasses in half (hurray, surprise expense!). But we had a nice Christmas and we're home safe and get to spend some extra time together this week, so there is a lot in the blessing column as well.