Friday, August 27, 2010

I have and I am

I have a son whose occupational therapist told me today to focus on getting him to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks per day, without making it too big of a deal.

I also have a son whose (the same) occupational therapist admitted that this is a bit at counter purposes to what the GI clinic is saying and that, if things don't improve, we might be looking at a g-tube.

Thankfully, I really like today's OT and trust her, especially since she also has a 2-year-old who doesn't eat and who is hovering at the 5th percentile.

I have a dream of my son hitting and staying at the 5th percentile for height or weight.

I have a son who is struggling with his eating and whose mommy (that would be me) has been instructed to try to get him to eat/snack 5 times per day. Unfortunately, said son is 3 years old and I also have to get him to the potty 4-5 times per day and there are only so many battles I can fight.

I have 5 phone calls into the local school district about his speech therapy referral. Thankfully I also have a husband who does not share my phone phobia and who will take over these phone calls from here on out.

I have a odd need for a label for my son. He's healthy, but so skinny and so not eating that Children's Hospital and our doctor and everyone who knows him well is worried. But he's healthy, so I don't know what to call this. And since every single three-year-old on the planet doesn't eat, "not-eating" just doesn't cover it, unless accompanied by my blog business card and a directive to read my blog entries from May 2009 onward. Not that things were much better before that, but that's when it all went wrong.

I am tired.

I am the person who cried today at the thought of 3 meals and 2 snacks per day and all that.

And I'm also the person whose totally healthy second child has started getting a rash around her mouth after eating certain foods. I'm ashamed to say that I noticed this weeks ago and refused to admit it until Daniel made a comment today. Seriously, I cannot handle food allergies in my healthy kid.

I am the person who gets a 24 hour break from her kids/overnight with her husband on October 14-15 and is counting the seconds until then. I love these kids with all my being, but they are tough. And one of them only sleeps if she is in bed with us and that is getting old.

I am also the person who is starting to worry that she is always tired/overwhelmed. Kids, if you read this years from now and wonder, I love you. I can't imagine life without either of you, despite what I say here about having two kids so close together. Thank you for your patience. And STOP HITTING EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME ALREADY!! :)

And I am the person whose life verse is John 16:33. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." And I am the person who is desperately praying and clinging on.


Spacebooke said...

You CAN do it. You ARE doing it....have been for years. The kids are lucky to have you and Daniel as their advocates. You are doing great.

Lizzie said...

Aw Carrie. This post made me cry. You've been carrying this burden for a long time, and it's GOT to be wearing you down, but you are SUCH a good mommy to those sweet babies.

Lucy and I are free to come distract you three next week. xoxox

Karen said...

You have a Father in Heaven who knows the intimate details of Ethan's life, who created him to be exactly who he is, who loves him more than you or Daniel is humanly able of comprehending.

That same Father who is holding your sweet boy will give you the courage and strength to take this on each and every day. I know you are so weary of the worry and the battle.

Makes my heart ache, wish I could do more to help.

Elizabeth said...

I know I know I know.
Man, does it suck. I am in awe of your patience and your fortitude. I think you are doing such an amazing job dealing with all of this.
Last time we were at the doctor with Eli he was in the 4th percentile, and we're supposed to take him back for a weight check and I've been putting it off because I just KNOW it's lower now.
But I do believe someday you'll get to 5% and we will too and then we'll have to throw a party. With a great deal of wine.
Hang in there, I'm on your side.