Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Not good

I'm really tired of being not good. I'm sure you're all tired of reading it.

I'm a totally goal-oriented person, and my secret goal is to be 100% okay again and get my brain/life/body back. Truth is, since things went so badly with Ethan's birth (yes, we're talking THREE years ago), I have not been okay.  I remember talking to people at my church women's retreat about my mood issues back in 2008. And I'm back at the same spot. Not bad enough to need immediate help, but enough that I'm despairing of ever being me again.

I am blogging about this only in hopes of your prayers. I'm okay, the kids are okay, Daniel is okay, but we're pretty much just surviving on a number of levels and I know we could be doing so much better. Add in things like my condo being 90+ degrees inside and potty-training and things are just hard. Not life-threatening or not like what a lot of people deal with, but it's tough for me.

I promise, I am trying to find amusing stories and fun things to tell you all about. Such as the fact that Vivian now is walking 99% of the time and is so thrilled with her new walking that she just paces back and forth in our condo in her drunken sailor manner and I laugh at her all day. And I was just telling Daniel tonight that all the cuteness that was Ethan at this age is a bit magnified by Vivian actually being a chubby baby and chubbiness is SO cute in a 14-month-old. Sadly, not as cute in a 33-year-old, but we wont get into all that. :)

Please, if you're a praying person, pray for me and for my family. On top of the things going on with my moods/hormones, we have some very major life decisions to make in our near future and we're praying hard for God to guide us in the way He wants us to go. And Ethan is now fighting his nutritional supplement, and has almost completely stopped eating, so we're really stressed about all that. Right now, we need all the help we can get.

In an attempt to not end on a crazy note- here's Vivian on Saturday!

And Ethan with his new stuffed animal. Cute!


Karen said...

Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry. I'm on a first-name basis with "not good", much too friendly for my liking but it is what it is. I will be praying for you all. Just keep hanging on, you aren't alone.

Anonymous said...

Delurking to say that I'm praying for you, too. It's so easy to feel completely alone when you're in that place of "not good," but you are NOT alone. I appreciate your honesty and ability to give words to what many of us feel. Barely surviving has become a way of life for me.

Emma said...

I think too many mum's are in exactly the same frame of mind (I know I am) but are too scared to admit it. I spend so much time wondering when I'll ever feel like myself again 18 months after a fairly uneventful birth (yet one I still haven't come to terms with). Lots of prayers and good thoughts to you! There are definitely lots of us out there just like you (even on the other side of the world like me)