Friday, July 30, 2010


One of my coworkers asked if I resigned my job because I love being a mommy so much. She clearly does not read my blog.  I laughed out loud when I read that, because I had just gotten done cleaning pee off the floor from a(nother) potty chair incident while Vivian screamed at me because I wouldn't give her more goldfish (she'd had plenty).

It's always interesting to be facing a new adventure in life.  Scary, but interesting. The review blogging also seems to be winding down a bit, so I'm going to need to find some outlet for my energy (what little I have) and creativity. Potty-training does not fulfill me as a person. Shocking, I know.

As I type this, Vivian has found another goldfish cracker on the floor and is eating it.  Sadly this is a frequent occurrence. Daniel hates it when I let her eat food off the floor, so we just wont tell him about this, okay? :)

Anyhoo, that's about all with me for today. Goldfish crackers and potty training. And contemplating what to do today- I have the car! Freedom!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Oh my goodness.

I just emailed my company and resigned completely.


I've been working there for SEVEN years. And that's after about a bazillion and a half years of school to get the degree to be able to work there.

But I'm also 100% sure that God is not wanting this for us anymore. I've been hanging on to this job "just in case" and putting my hope on it as my safety net.  And it was getting hard to do even small tasks well- when the kids are insanely running around, concentration is tough.  I kept thinking that I just needed to hang on until the kids go to school, but that's still 3 years away for Ethan.

In the end, it's better to go out on a high note than to hang on and continue to do my work with only part of my time and attention. I'd rather leave good memories of my work, in case I do go back in the future, rather than messing things up and not being liked anymore. And I owe my kids my full time and attention. This is the job that I need to focus on right now.

I still feel a little ill. It was so hard to hit send on that email.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Not good

I'm really tired of being not good. I'm sure you're all tired of reading it.

I'm a totally goal-oriented person, and my secret goal is to be 100% okay again and get my brain/life/body back. Truth is, since things went so badly with Ethan's birth (yes, we're talking THREE years ago), I have not been okay.  I remember talking to people at my church women's retreat about my mood issues back in 2008. And I'm back at the same spot. Not bad enough to need immediate help, but enough that I'm despairing of ever being me again.

I am blogging about this only in hopes of your prayers. I'm okay, the kids are okay, Daniel is okay, but we're pretty much just surviving on a number of levels and I know we could be doing so much better. Add in things like my condo being 90+ degrees inside and potty-training and things are just hard. Not life-threatening or not like what a lot of people deal with, but it's tough for me.

I promise, I am trying to find amusing stories and fun things to tell you all about. Such as the fact that Vivian now is walking 99% of the time and is so thrilled with her new walking that she just paces back and forth in our condo in her drunken sailor manner and I laugh at her all day. And I was just telling Daniel tonight that all the cuteness that was Ethan at this age is a bit magnified by Vivian actually being a chubby baby and chubbiness is SO cute in a 14-month-old. Sadly, not as cute in a 33-year-old, but we wont get into all that. :)

Please, if you're a praying person, pray for me and for my family. On top of the things going on with my moods/hormones, we have some very major life decisions to make in our near future and we're praying hard for God to guide us in the way He wants us to go. And Ethan is now fighting his nutritional supplement, and has almost completely stopped eating, so we're really stressed about all that. Right now, we need all the help we can get.

In an attempt to not end on a crazy note- here's Vivian on Saturday!

And Ethan with his new stuffed animal. Cute!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Have to turn comment moderation on for a while...

I'm getting a ton of spam comments here, so I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation for a while. So don't worry if your comment doesn't show up right away!

The spam is weird- I didn't notice it until someone else mentioned it on their blog. They look like real comments, but then the identity of the person leaving the comment is linked to some online store.  Anyone else having this issue?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tuesday night

It's 7:48 on this sunny Tuesday night. The kids are in bed- not sleeping, but playing with their Leapfrog My Pal toys. We just had one to listen to until tonight, when Ethan's arrived in the afternoon delivery.  So now there are two almost-identical toys playing music in the other room.  The kids don't seem to mind though, and it's keeping them from demanding to be liberated from their room, so I don't mind either.

Tuesdays are my bad days, and today was coming at the end of a rough week emotionally for me, so I'm thankful that the kids didn't fight me on bedtime and are at least playing quietly. And I'm also VERY thankful that I had an outing planned today with a blog friend. My friend dragged her very pregnant self and two little kids to Seattle today to meet up with me, since I couldn't wrangle the car this week to drive to meet her. I am SO grateful for that.  I'm not sure I'd be stable enough to write, otherwise.

Anyway, it's almost 8 now and Daniel's finally on his way home from work. Because work apparently got the memo that the wife was nuts and the kids behaving badly, so all hell broke loose with their latest website deploy. Seriously, "website deploy" is becoming a swear word in my vocabulary. It never, ever goes well and always results in a late night and lots of stress the rest of the week while all the bugs get worked out.

But now he is on his way home and I have to decide whether to turn the oven on in our hot living room/kitchen or demand takeout sushi. 

On a good note, I finally was feeling energetic enough this morning to start week 8 of couch to 5K.  I have a month left until my first 5K and I'm still suspecting that I will set some sort of record for slowest time ever, but I'm okay with that. I'm up and I'm moving and I'm doing something positive for myself for once, which is what matters.  And my refusal to care too much about my finishing time is driving my competitive runner family members totally insane, which is a lovely passive-agressive person bonus :)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Definitely a sign that I looked a little frazzled

Daniel walked in our front door last night, took one look at me and said "darn it, I left the tequila at work again."  I laughed out loud that he'd had a 75 minute commute home and plenty of time to realize that he'd forgotten again, but it was seeing his wife that brought it to mind :) 

Back story on that- one of his coworkers who works remotely from her home in Mexico was visiting a few weeks ago and brought Daniel and the other two bosses some gifts, including a bottle of tequila.  Daniel doesn't drink and I don't actually drink tequila, but we're having a gathering in a few weeks and are serving smoothies and thought we might offer margaritas as well, now that we have this spare bottle of tequila.

Of course if potty training doesn't start to show some results soon, I might have to investigate the tequila for myself.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Fractions of pounds

I walked over to the doctor this afternoon in the beautiful Seattle sunshine, to stop by for Ethan's monthly weight check. At a few weeks shy of his third birthday he's up to a whopping 25.8 pounds.  Fortunately that's an increase from last month, and we'll take anything that's in a upward pattern.  Unfortunately, it's not much up and not enough to keep him from slipping further down the growth chart. At this point Vivian eats about 6 times more than Ethan does at any given meal.  Thankfully he's not vomiting every day these days, more like 3 times per week and we're getting really good at grabbing him and moving quickly to the bathroom :)

On my weight loss journey, also moving by fractions of pounds, and also often in the wrong direction. Admittedly, I haven't been focusing as much on my diet as I should. I just don't seem to have the mental energy to spare for that. But exercise is going well, so I still feel like I'm overall increasing my healthiness. Today I finished week 7 of the C25K! It really is an amazing program. Hard to believe that 2 months ago I couldn't run for 45 straight seconds, now I'm running 25 minutes (with one or two occasional 10 second breaks, admittedly). 

On a completely unrelated topic, I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about being a mom, and the perspective that we have of each other.  I've been having a hard time for a while, feeling like I'm the only mom at my church who doesn't have it all together and who doesn't love every second of being a mom.  She pointed out that we're all usually rushing around to pick up kids from Sunday School and such, and it's easy to appear that you have it all together for a brief time. And, most of us genuinely are fine on Sunday- we're dressed up, we're around friends, Daddy is home to help watch the kids, we get to sit quietly for an hour or so in the service... life is easy on Sundays. It's Mondays that are the issue and on Monday we think that all the other moms are functioning as well as they did the day before when we saw them and that we're the only ones with a problem...

And potty-training- not as much of a disaster the last two days.  I discovered that letting Ethan play with a bowl of water, while messy for me to clean up later, helps distract him so that he can actually do what he needs to do on the potty. And we've gone 2 days without an accident! That being said, he's wearing a pull-up now, since we were out for a walk, and I'm totally dreading taking it off him and returning to potty-training :)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Taking a break from potty-training to say hi!

We're potty-training again. Have I mentioned how hard that is?  Ethan seems to be ready, he's not fighting it at all, he just doesn't ever EVER go when he's on the potty. He'll willingly tell me when he needs to go and will sit on the potty, but then nothing happens... Hopefully we'll make progress on that soon! Getting tired of hanging out next to the bathroom :)

Anyway, the weekend was a relative success from my perspective! Thursday we drove up to Vancouver with a very sick toddler in the car. She was running a fever of 101-102, so it was actually good timing to be out of our really warm condo and in the air conditioned car. Thursday night she was up most of the night, which is never fun when you're not home.  But the sleepless night made it a little easier to face the thought of several nights away from the family.

I spent the weekend alternating between wedding events and just hanging out on my own. I had the chance to take some walks along the riverfront in Winnipeg, as well as a bunch of time to hang out and watch home design and real estate shows. I love cable! I got to sleep through the entire night 2 nights in a row! So, honestly, while I missed my family and wasn't happy to be gone while Vivian was sick, it was such a great time to just be on my own and recharge and rest.  I really needed it more than I knew.

The wedding was beautiful and I had a good time with the bride's family. And there was a great deal of alcohol available for the stressful times when I was forced to talk to strangers, so my panic attacks were limited in number. 

The only major problem with the whole weekend was when our flight back to Vancouver was delayed for 4 hours. Let me tell you, the Winnipeg airport is not really somewhere that you want to be spending any more time than you absolutely have to. Fortunately the final of the World Cup was on TV and I had other members of the wedding party at the airport to talk to, so I made it.

Unfortunately I came home to a feverless, but rashy baby.  I'm 99% sure that she had roseola. Her rash is almost gone now, but the combination of needing to stay home because of her illness and the rain that we had yesterday made it seem like a good time to restart potty training, so here we are. I think today is going to be another home day, but I'm hoping to venture out into the world again soon!

In other news, I finished week 7 day 2 of C25K today! And it really wasn't too hard to run for 25 minutes. I've not run since last Thursday, and I think the break and rest did my body good in that front too.  Important take-away message from this whole thing- take breaks in all sorts of areas of life!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I have a suitcase all to myself!

Thanks for the nice comments on yesterday's post.  And thanks for the tips- I'm pretty good about keeping Ethan close when we're out walking and getting in and out of the car, but now I'm going to be way more strict about where he is in the wading pool/fountain in relation to me, no matter how many other people are around and no matter how shallow the water is. Daniel and I were talking last night about how we never really understood how kids could drown in just a few inches of water, but now I get it. When they trip and can't get their faces up high enough, then things get really scary really fast.  Thankfully I was watching Ethan closely and got him quickly, but it's still shaking me up, for sure. 

Anyway, moving on.  Just finished packing for our trip to Canada.  And I have a suitcase all to myself! There are no diapers in my bag, no baby shampoo, no stuffed animals. Just my clothing and real books that I might actually get to read and high heels.  It's messing with my mind!

And, as usual, we have a sick kid for our trip to Canada.  I'm starting to wonder what's going on with the kids- every time they see the suitcases come out of the closet, someone can be counted on to be sniffly, sneezing, coughing, feverish within hours.  This time it's Vivian, poor thing is running a 100 degree temperature. Which is especially miserable since it's currently 85 degrees in our living room, at 8 AM and is only going to get much, much hotter.  I think we're going to be spending some time at the mall today while we wait for Daniel to be ready to head out!

Oh, in other news, I'm not taking a laptop with me on my trip. That means I'm going to be offline from tonight until Sunday night. That's a terrifying thought, but I have to carry on the bridesmaid's dress tomorrow so my hands are going to be pretty full and I can't manage a computer as well. I check my email (this is a conservative average here) about 1,000,002 times per day. I suspect that I'm going to jump out of the car before Daniel even comes to a complete stop when we get home on Sunday to dash upstairs and turn on the computer :)

I hope you all have a great weekend too, whatever you're up to. Stay cool!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Well, that outing took about 5 years off my life

Today we decided to escape the 90 degree weather inside our condo and head out into the cooler weather outside. Since it's the first almost-hot day of the year, we headed over to a fountain/wading pool tucked into a corner of Seattle Center. I'd geared the kids up in swim diapers and swimsuits at home, so we just hopped right in.  We walked around and splashed for a little while, then Vivian started fussing, so I got out with her and walked to the edge of the wading area to change her into dry clothes on a nearby bench. I let Ethan stay in the water, close to me while I changed Vivian. BIG MISTAKE. 

Ethan is very cautious and scared of most things, so it never occurred to me that he'd go more than a foot or two away. But shortly he was a bit further out, and thanks to the other people at the wading pool, he couldn't hear me calling him to come back.  Or he was ignoring me, who knows.

I could still see him this whole time, so was quickly changing Vivian while watching Ethan. I was 99% done and ready to go get Ethan out of the water when I saw him slip down. And he couldn't get up again. He just kept trying to get up and kept swallowing water. I don't think any of the other parents nearby noticed or realized that he was actually in trouble, and I grabbed Vivian and ran through the water as fast as I could move.  By the time I got to him he was gagging and coughing and choking and it took a little while to get everything under control.

Then he threw a temper tantrum about having to take of his soaked t-shirt and I figured everything was okay. The whole way home he kept saying "Mommy! Water in mouth!" while I tried not to cry.  It's going to be a while before I'm brave enough to take the two kids to a non-lifeguarded wading area again!

I'd started to realize yesterday that having two little kids who are both mobile might be a bit more challenging that I had thought it would be. Vivian's fully walking now, and yesterday at the Children's Museum was the first time when I had trouble keeping them both at the same place at the same time.  It's going to be an interesting summer!  I really need to find a cloning machine if we're all going to make it through in one piece...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Back a few months ago I posted some movie promotional info here for the Babies movie. My posts were uncompensated, but were a part of a BzzAgent campaign, and prizes were awarded to the bloggers who generated the most traffic. I won 4th prize, thanks to my readers here and at the review blog!

Today our prize showed up- a new Safety First carseat!  We really can use this- Ethan's been in his convertible seat since he was 3 months old and it's getting pretty beat up. And since he still only weighs 25 pounds, he's going to be in a carseat for a long time, I think :)

Thanks for clicking and helping out!

Social anxiety

I've never been a particularly outgoing person, at least around people that I don't already know well. Once I do know people well, then I tend to overtalk and overshare, but strangers terrify me.  Growing up I was the pastor's kid, and I played that role well, especially since a good pastor's child always spends time talking to the older people of the church. Older people never scared me, just  my own age group.

One of the drawbacks of being in my 30s is that my "peer" group is enormous. Pretty much anyone from the age of 18-50 now is in my demographic, which means I'm now scared of a much larger pool of people than I was when I was younger.  But I have something going for me now that I didn't before- I have Daniel. The man could make friends with a concrete pole.  And I have the kids to hide behind too- they're a fabulous distraction and be counted on to need my attention if I'm in a situation where I'm not feeling secure with conversing with someone.

On Sunday we went to a party where I knew about 15% of the people very well, and had a passing acquaintance with most of the rest.  But everyone was busy with kids, and it wasn't a place where I could hide and just talk to people I knew well.  I ended up doing such a poor job of socializing and feeling so isolated and frustrated with my own fears that I was in tears as we drove home.  I want to be friendly, but I fail so miserably at it.  Being a stay-at-home mom with limited interaction with the outside world has not improved my bravery or small talk abilities, that's for sure.

Friday I will be flying off to an utterly terrifying situation. A wedding that I am attending, alone, in a city that I know nothing about, in Canada. And I know NO ONE at the wedding except for the bride.  I've never even met the groom.  I have to interact with multitudes of strangers, by myself, while wearing a still-slightly-ill-fitting bridesmaids dress.  I'm hyperventilating just at the thought.

But I do get two plane flights alone to read my books and two nights where I get to sleep in a bed in a hotel room by myself, with no middle-of-the-night wakeup screaming and no toddler sleeping in my bed in the morning and using me as a punching bag.  So I think that the benefits and the break from my normal life might be worth the stress of so much stranger interaction.  :)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July!

We had a nice day today- here in Seattle, celebrating the 4th of July with rain and 60 degrees. Summer is right around the corner now, we're sure of it!

The day started out with our usual frantic rush to get ready for church. I workout in the AM on the other six days of the week, but Sunday is my day off, and this means I get up later than usual and we get a late start.  Not a good way to start worship, so a habit we're working on.  After church we had some time to kill before heading to our friends' house, so we hit Goodwill where we picked up some Thomas trains with track for Ethan for $3, and a lace jacket for me that I'm hoping to wear on Saturday to hide my fat arms in the bridesmaid's dress. We also got a bunch of small things- Daniel and I were inspired by this blog post and are turning a Goodwill nightstand into a play kitchen for the kids.

Then it was off to our friends' house for a BBQ and now we're home, trying to stay awake longer than the kids.  :)

Photos this morning were slightly less successful than those from Canada Day, but way more entertaining. I think the kids are getting tired of being patriotic!

This one is our favorite :)

Hope you all had a great 4th of July!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Canada Day!

As you know, the kids are Canadian and American citizens, so they'll be wearing two different patriotic outfits this week.  Today it's Canada's turn, and here are the good pictures that I got this morning. Just a few out of the approximately 150 that I took :)