Saturday, June 19, 2010

Another weather report

The first day of summer is Monday. It's currently 58 and drizzling here. I wish it would just rain and move on. Rain I can handle, all day drizzle is another thing. And it's June. I need sunshine. I REALLY need sunshine.  Please... someone... find the sunshine and send it this way!

This is not a good day. So this will not be a happy, cheerful post. But I need to blog so that I can process and move on and be productive today. Daniel's gone off with the kids for a few hours so that I have time to finish up my report for work.  The one I've barely started, but that has to be done today. Fun.  There's nothing more exciting than writing about the toxicology of treated wood products on a rainy Saturday morning.

I'm feeling like a giant failure this morning. I went out in the rain to try, once again, to finish up day 3 of week 4 of the Couch to 5K. And I again, failed. It seems like my endurance is getting worse. Last week I could run the 3 minutes no problem and most of the 5 minutes, this week I'm not even able to do 3. And it's not like there's any big problem, I just can't seem to make it.

So I'm frustrated with myself. I feel like I've been failing at everything lately.  I'm not doing a good job with the kids- I snap at them and I'm on the computer too much and I don't want to referee their little squabbles all the time or draw another choo-choo. Daniel and I are like ships passing in the night. Even when we do sit down for a meal, we have nothing to talk about because all he does is work and all I do is sit at home and we don't have any conversation left. I've gained back 5 pounds of the weight I lost and I'm certainly not going to lose it again, because I snack all day when I'm inside.

So not making it through the run today just felt like one more thing that I can't seem to manage. It would be one thing if I was putting too much on my to-do list, but I'm not really doing anything, so there's no reason that I shouldn't be able to do a good job of at least something. The kids are healthy and happy and all, so that's good, but that's about the extent of what I've done.

I'm just so tired of being sad and discouraged. I wish I could find my energy and personality again. I don't like this version of me one bit.

Okay, back to treated wood. Hopefully I will feel better when I get this checked off my to-do list. It's been hanging over me all week and really freaking me out.  Time to focus! 

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