Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Get comfortable, this is going to be an overly long post

I'll try to write in short paragraphs at least. But no promises.

1) The weather. Mid 50s, grey and rainy.  Please tell me how I'm supposed to find the energy to fold laundry in weather like this. Ugh.

2) The running. I finished week 1 of the C25K today! I am still a pathetically slow lump when I run and can barely breathe at the end of the 60 second runs.  Not looking forward to 90 second runs next week.  By next week I mean Thursday of this week, because that's when I start week 2.  Today I even went out in the rain to run- I was making some comment about not wanting to run in the rain to Liz yesterday, and she pointed out that it didn't really matter, since you sweat anyway.  That is a very valid point.
Speaking of Liz- she's running her first 1/2 marathon on Saturday! Go Liz!!! Thanks for inspiring me to get off my butt. And thanks to all the other people who have blogged about running so that I know that it's okay that it's awful right now and that it will get better.

3)  Parents of preschoolers- do your kids actually play with toys? Ethan doesn't play, he just demolishes and runs. He'll dump out the shapes from the box, then take everything out of the drawer, then throw the magazines on the floor, then knock over a pile of something... and he never stops and does anything with anything except throw or knock over.  We try to get him to clean up one thing before moving on to the next, but we're not always around and he moves so fast. And he never, ever interacts with anything. Not even his trains lately.  It's so draining and frustrating, trying to get him to stop knocking over and destroying everything. Especially when Vivian is usually around and getting toys ripped out of her hands and thrown. Anyone else dealt with this?
We were thinking that maybe he's bored with his toys, so I've been trying to come up with new things for him to do, but it hasn't worked so far.

4) So, deep thoughts about other stuff. I've been thinking a lot lately about stuff about my sense of self and my issues with myself.  I'm definitely what you would call a late bloomer. I sort of came into my own with issues of faith in my mid-college years, then did a lot more growing up and self discovery when I was living in Ukraine and working there for a year.  After that was grad school, so all thinking about anything other than science was put on hold for a few years, but then I got my job and was finally a "real adult". And that's when I got comfortable in my own skin in terms of my strengths and weaknesses and my personality. I met Daniel in that part of my life, which was good timing, because I wasn't looking for someone to complete me or determine my personality anymore (as I had been in earlier serious relationships), but really looking for a life friend and partner.  Which is one of the reasons why our relationship worked and we ended up married with 2 kids.

But, even though I got comfortable with myself as a person in my late-20s, I've still been at war with my physical self my entire life. I had a brief period of lessening-of-self-loathing from just before my engagement to the time I got pregnant with Ethan, when I had lost a bunch of weight and was exercising and was in pretty good shape.  The pregnancies brought back my "natural" form though- I'm 5'1" and of German heritage, so I tend to the round side in my figure.

Even through the pregnancies and nursing I didn't really feel at peace with myself. Yes it was great that I was able to grow a baby and be a part of that miracle, but I still felt that my body was kind of betraying me. For those of you that weren't reading then, I've had hypertension since I was 20 and have been on medication since then.  I had to continue that during my pregnancies and it likely lead to some of the growth issues that Ethan is still struggling with. And because of the hypertension I had to be induced with Ethan, and my body again failed me, leading to the c-section during which I was unconscious and Daniel wasn't present.  

I feel like I'm finally coming to a point where I realize I have to forgive myself and move on. Not accept being lumpish and leave it at that, but get past things and make peace with my body so that I can lose weight and get in shape. Not as a passing fling, but as something that is good for all of me.

I'm sure I'm always going to have body issues. Thanks to the 2 c-sections, I'm probably always going to have this poochy tummy, and when a well-endowed woman gets done nursing... let's just say things are not in the same place that they were before.  But if I keep fighting myself and loathing myself and treating my body badly, I'm not being fair to anyone. Not myself, not my husband, not my kids, and not God who gave me this particular body. 

5) That was a lot of rambling. I blame the rain. And the fact that I just went out and went to THREE grocery stores and one drug store and bought exactly NO diet coke and I am dying for a diet coke and Daniel wont be home for hours.... Ahhh!!!

6) I can't believe anyone is still reading this. If you actually made it to this point, I apologize.  Seriously, the rain makes my brain short circuit.


Andrea said...

I hear you in every way! I guess I never really viewed it as my body failing me. I've always had weight issues. Even when I weighed around 120 lbs at 16 I was much more "curvy" than everyone else and thought I was fat. My Mom used to talk about my needing to lose weight, as young as my early teens, and I think that really affected my body image. Now I look back at those pictures and can't believe I thought I was fat. Ha ha

I'm VERY busty. My biggest problem with my body, I used to wear minimizing bras, sports bras, anything to flatten me out. (I was a DD at 15 :-( so on the breast feeding thing, yup. I'm looking at a reduction in the next few years, but first, I have to lose 50 lbs. I also had 2 c-sections....so my tummy is rather unpleasant. AND I'm also German (and Welsh) so my being round is natural I suppose.

That said, I don't yet have the motivation to do anything about it even though I loathe myself for my appearance...lol I'm working on the thought that I actually CAN change it...but it's been so hard for so long that I just don't have the energy to try right now. I envy you and your dedication.

I know I have to be careful about my body image and what I say because I have 2 little girls who think I'm beautiful, and it's important for me to show them (by example) how to live and view themselves. I'm a work in progress I suppose. :-)

Ashley said...

I have wondered the exact same thing about kids playing with toys! What age do they actually start PLAYING with them? Kirsten just likes to throw them around, make messes with them, just like Ethan. So frustrating! She has the cutest toys too!

And I can relate with you about body issues. Even when I was really thin, I always had an overly large chest and have been self-conscious about it Forever. I always kind of hated girls who were tiny, petite, and flat-chested. It's such a difficult thing to deal with!