Monday, November 9, 2009

Losing my mind, I fear it is so close

First, let me say that I am typing this blog post at 12:30 AM, while sitting on the couch with Vivian sleeping on one shoulder. Because, apparently, she will only sleep if physically connected to me somehow. We have tried so many times to get her to sleep on her own tonight- she'll fall asleep and then wake up screaming, or scream her head off if we try to put her down before she's really asleep.  So much that she makes herself sick and we can't handle that. I hate teething. With a PASSION.

Today was an especially unfortunate convergence of things that are all separately not too bad, but together have done a number on my brain and now I'm sitting here with a baby on my shoulder, crying.

I haven't been away from the kids at all since my parents left about a week and a half ago.  Daniel's been getting home too late for me to go out in the evenings, and on the weekends we've been busy. And I'm not sure what I would do if I did go out anyway, since we don't have any spare money, so I can't go shopping or do anything that involves spending money. 

Today Daniel went to the Seahawks game. Along with pretty much every other man I know. Weird. And the other wives will vouch for the utter horribleness of having your Sunday suddenly look an awful lot like a Tuesday. Sundays are supposed to be for doing family stuff after church and being together. I love weekends, not just because of the help with the kids, but because Daniel is my best friend and there's no one I'd rather be with than him. He needed a break and I'm so glad the guys got to go to the game and have fun, but it was a long afternoon.

Then my boss emailed saying that she needed someone to do work this week, but it needed to be done ASAP. (I'm sort of in a nether world right now in terms of my employment status. If people need me and it's a task that I have special skills for, I do it, but it's usually only a few hours per week, and it's very irregular). And I said I'd be happy to help, but immediately was tough, given the fact that my kids don't nap at the same time if they nap at all, and I don't really have any time right now to faithfully dedicate to work. I'm happy to do stuff, but I don't want anything urgent relying on my ability to get it done. So she helpfully suggested that I could do it at night.

Internet people, that made me absolutely lose it. Because, pop quiz- what do moms do at night? Sit around and watch TV and eat bon bons? No! We do the laundry and the dishes and prepare food for the next day and pay the bills and catch up on emails and do all the things we couldn't do all day because two small children were demanding attention EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. 

So I cried, because I'm already feeling badly about not getting to my Bible studying or my correspondence with friends and I don't spend quality time with my husband and I don't need one more thing to do at night instead of sleeping.  

I'm scared that it's getting to be time to completely quit my job. That's a pretty terrifying leap of faith, because, even though I don't make a whole lot of money with my limited work, it's enough to make a difference. And we're already pretty much cut down to the bare bones of things. 

And a dear lady whose kids are teenagers sent me a message today and told me that she knew it was hard, but to try to appreciate this time, since soon my kids will be grown and not wanting hugs and I'll be missing this clingy stage. I want to appreciate it, really I do. I love my kids and don't want to miss out on anything.  And I'm scared that I am.

Sigh. Send chocolate, please.

2 comments:

Andrea said...

I totally here you on this one. I'm up at...what time is it? nearly 2? doing work.

I cried the other day because I felt like I was missing Megan's (my youngest)babyhood because of everything that's going on. I'm constantly distracted by a kid...either mine, or one of my Aunt's since they don't really seem to listen to her.

It's coming to and end...but then I will be totally on my own again during the day. Which will be both a blessing and a curse since I'm DONE with having an extra family of 4 here, and I have MUCH guilt for wanting them to move on too...after all, it was my suggestion that they move in with us...ha ha...sure I can handle it...come on over!!!

Where's the Halloween candy bowl?

Andrea said...

*hear

it's late, but I should still be able to slepp <---ha ha ha...I am leaving that one up...*spell* gah!