Thursday, August 20, 2009

Surrender

I can't remember if I mentioned it here already, but I've recently learned about a wonderful website, called Proverbs 31 Ministries. One of the things from this site that I'm really enjoying is the daily email that they send out with a daily devotion. It's a rare day that the devotion doesn't make me stop and think and occasionally tear up a bit.

Today's devotion was discussing surrendering our will to God's. This is something that's really been on my mind a lot lately. Particularly since I haven't been doing a very good job of surrendering my will and opening myself up to truly following where God is leading me. I'm going down the path where He's leading, but I'm doing so kicking and screaming every step of the way. I'm pretty sure that I am acting in my spiritual life an awful lot like my toddler acts in real life.

A friend came to visit me today with her kid in tow, and we had a lovely morning of chatting and catching up. At one point, she came right out and asked how I am doing these days. Even though I'm very open about my struggles here on my blog, I do NOT like to show signs of weakness in real life, so it was very hard to be honest. Every ounce of my being wanted to just smile and say that I'm fine. But I didn't. I told her honestly that I'm lonely and a little bored and am having a tough time transitioning from being a working mom of one to a stay-at-home mom of 2. It was hard for me to say that, but she didn't judge and I know she listened.

We are going to try to get together more in the future, which would be such a blessing to me. Being home with the kids without a car to be able to go out and do things and go places is really challenging, and honestly the source of a lot of my sadness and loneliness. I do manage to convince someone to come visit me most weeks (I shamelessly bribe them with my free guest passes to the Children's Museum), but there are weeks that I don't see anyone other than Daniel and the people at the nearby grocery store. And I need interaction with people, I need to remember that I'm not alone. My blog and my other online social activities are a blessing and provide some socialization, but it's difficult to be online with two small kids, and I spend more time in front of the computer than I should, so that's not really a long-term solution. So having someone suggest getting together more regularly is a huge blessing and such an answer to prayers.

Things like that remind me that God is faithful and that He does know what I'm going through and understands. And I need to remember that, while He's asking me to surrender things in my life right now like having free time or extra money or the ability to travel with my husband- He has a reason for it. My bad attitude is keeping me from grasping the blessings that come along with what He has planned. I don't want to continue kicking and screaming and fighting being in this place in life. I want to be able to see the joy and the blessings that it contains. That doesn't mean it's going to magically be easier to be the mom of two small kids and be home alone with laundry and dishes and no positive feedback, and that I will still probably be frustrated and lonely, but I know that there is also good in this tough time and I want to work on seeing that.

So, to close my ramblings, here's a quote from today's devotion at Proverbs 31 Ministries.
"Lord, I want to reflect Your glory through the display of my dependence on You. As painful as it is, I realize Your splendor is revealed in my brokenness as I rely on Your love and strength. I put my trust in Your plans and not my own today. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

3 comments:

Lindsey said...

Wow, so honest and such a blessing. Thank you for sharing! I know how hard it can be to get your heart out on "paper" sometimes, but I really appreciate your sharing this experience. I'm going through something similar and everything you were saying including "kicking and screaming" and feeling lonely and pent up... those are things I'm struggling with right now, too. I'm still trying to kind of "find myself" since having my baby - seeing who I am in Christ now that I have NO time to myself, not a moment to talk to other Christians at church and make friends like my husband can - I just feel like the odd one out or something. I haven't really been praying about it, though, and I should be. I haven't really been able to pinpoint what was "wrong" until now. I need to find some other Christian moms to have a bible study with and be able to get together with or I'll go crazy, lol. I thought I could live without it but I guess I can't!

So where do you live? LOL

Amy Webb said...

Thanks for being so honest. I know exactly where you are coming from. The transition to motherhood has not been an easy one for me. I've been praying more about it lately so I think that will help. Interaction with others (online but especially in person) is helpful for me. Like you, I've started encouraging people to come visit me at the house since it's hard to get out a lot with a two-month old (especially since he hates his carseat). I'll be thinking of you.

Nicole Feliciano said...

Friends are what keep moms sane. Never, ever forget this. Isolation=madness. I try to do a catch up with a friends at least once a week.