Thursday, July 23, 2009

Giant parenting FAIL. And not really such a success as an employee either.

It's been a fairly busy week here- yesterday was productive around the house and today we had an outing to the Children's Museum with friends. And we're headed there again tomorrow with another friend. Hurray for people to go on outings and practice my grown-up sentences with!

Anyway, something has been weighing pretty heavily on me since yesterday. In the morning, I checked my home email and my Google reader and Facebook and Daniel's email and then finally my work email. And there was an email from one of my local co-workers, asking if I wanted to take a small project that just came in. This projects was one of my projects- something I've been working on for over 5 years. Interesting projects- when women at a particular company get pregnant, we take a look at the chemicals that the woman is exposed to and determine if there is any risk to the baby. And the most recent list of chemicals wasn't too long and looked manageable, so I told my coworker that I would take the project.

That's all fine. The giant fail came when I sent the email- when the thought ran through my mind: "oh good, today I'll get to do something that actually matters."

I still tear up when I realize that that was my first reaction. I thought maybe I was making a little more progress with this stay-at-home mom thing*. Apparently not.

And then I ended up not having a synchronized naptime and so rushed through the project (I did go back and checked later to make sure I did everything right, dont worry!) and snapped at the kids when they were having the audacity to actually want my attention. Yeah, quality actions all around on my part. You should see how much chocolate I bought last night when I went to the store.

Today when I was out with my friends, I mentioned that part of the challenge for me lately has been simultaneously adjusting to being a SAHM and a mom of two. Up until the end of May, I only had Ethan home a few days per week and we usually had a car one of those days, so we were out running errands and stuff. Now I'm home all day most days with a toddler and a newborn and no car and it's so much effort to get everyone dressed and out for a walk and I don't have a clue how to keep Ethan entertained all day. Especially when he's teething and whiny and says "no" constantly. (Possibly one of the top 10 questions I'm going to ask God someday- WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TEETH FOR TWO SOLID YEARS? Could we not just have a really bad week or month and get the silly things all in at once?)

I KNOW that raising these kids is the most important job I will ever have. I just wish I could convince my brain of that. I miss my paychecks and my clean, quiet office and the pats on the back and the "job well done"s at the end of the project. (Lament of many moms everywhere, I know).

Seriously. Adulthood. Complicated. Angsty.

*= No, I have still not made any decisions about my job as far as what I'm going to do next year, but moving doesn't seem to be happening, and I can't afford childcare unless we do move, so it's not looking terribly likely.


Lizzie said...

Let's hope it gets easier. Well, lets start small and hope for the coordinated nap today!

And Lucy had SOMUCHFUN at the museum. I was thinking she'd be too young but it was perfect.

Nicole Feliciano said...

I have SOOOO been there. Right now am reading the book from D. Laura. It is horrible and condescending at times, but it does raise impt. points. You are not alone.

Pam said...

Not everyone is meant to be a stay at home mom - and that is okay:) There are working moms and stay at home moms and moms that fall somewhere inbetween - BUT, we are all still moms and that is what matters.

Hang in there - it does get easier and don't beat yourself up so much. Even stay at home moms lose their patience but at least you are losing your patience due to work and not telling your toddler to be quiet so you can read a blog - that's hypothetical of course cause I would never do that;-)

Mommyto3andahusky said...

I totally get where you are at. I am going to be devastated when I go back to work next month. But I love working and love that time to be just me making a difference outside of the home. :( I am jealous of your swimming today. I want to go swimming! :) Love the new pics of the kids!