Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Trying to draw you a picture of my emotional state....

Have any of you spent any time around an 11-12 year old girl lately?  You know how they have mood swings and cry at the drop of a hat and don't like anything that you suggest in terms of meals or activities or conversation topics?  Yeah, I'm that bad. I am not going to go back to my old blog entries to check, but I am 99% certain that I was not this insane during my last pregnancy. I know I was a little insane, but I definitely did not cry ALL the time. This is the thing that is bothering me most about being insane, as I am not a cryer normally.  I think I'm going to blame the fact that I'm gestating a girl this time. I think her hormones are messing with me somehow.

Okay, so last night, my poor sweet husband came home from a very long day at work, and I handed him Ethan and said "take him outside". Because yesterday was gorgeous, and poor Ethan kept going to the door and getting his jacket and trying to get me to unfold the stroller and take him outside. Which, not surprisingly, made me feel bad and cry.  Poor kid was stuck in the house with Crazy Mommy until 6:30, then he finally got to go for a walk. To the store to buy cat food, but it was still a walk.

I cried more last night to Daniel, after he had worked another 3 hours and was completely exhausted. Have I mentioned that he's a saint?  We knew we wanted to have kids close together for a huge number of reasons.  But when I got pregnant, Ethan was just a year old, and wasn't as much of a little person as he is now, if that makes sense.  Now he has more obvious needs and emotions, and I find myself really concerned about how things are going to affect him.  Most specifically, being stuck at home, in the condo with me for the whole month of May, if I have to stay on bed rest.  Which is doubly frustrating, because, let's be honest, bed rest with a toddler is a joke, so I'm not really resting that much, just not out of the condo and walking around. But I'm sitting up and on my feet a lot at home, which makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job of taking care of New Baby either.  Argh.

That was the gist of the crying to Daniel last night.  He suggested that we talk to daycare and see if they happen to still have a spot open for May, but that would be a huge amount of money, and since I'm about to stop work for the foreseeable future, I just cant handle that idea. Especially since we don't know if bed rest is going to last or if the baby is going to come early or what. 

Finally I stopped crying and let Daniel sleep, and I just started praying, mentally putting this huge pile of worry at His feet.  Because I know He loves Ethan and New Baby more than I do and is watching out for both of them.  And I was finally able to sleep a little after that.  I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared, but it's better. 

In other news, Daniel went to the store last night and saw Easter candy on 75% off clearance and didn't buy me any.  He said it was the same stuff I'd already bought.  Which I've mostly eaten already and am running low on. And since when does the presence of chocolate in the house mean that no more chocolate should be purchased?  He's such a strange man, that one. 

3 comments:

Lizzie said...

Well, if you ask Ethan when he's leaving for college whether he remembers and/or resents that spring when he had to stay inside and watch umpteen episodes of Baby Einstein? I doubt the answer will be "yes."

Also, my word verification is Weaked. I wonder if it's pronounced weak-ed or weakt.

itsahumanzoo said...

Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. I know I felt bad for my 3 year old when his little brother was a newborn because I was constantly tied down nursing him. Now I'm making up for it by taking him out to parks and places to play every single day. So, you'll have your chance soon.

PS - I tagged you on my blog. Here.

Erin said...

I sent you a little something today that hopefully will help with at least part of the frustrations you are having.

I understand the fears you have about bringing New Baby home and I had them, too. Emily and Lucy are just under 2 years apart. It's hard in the beginning, but it starts to pay off when Baby #2 starts to be able to play with Kid #1. My girls are best friends and that is everything we wanted for our kids.

Hang in there, sweetheart. You can do it.