My "awfulizing" habit has kicked into high gear today. REALLY high gear. I forgot how much the early stages of pregnancy freak me out. The total unknown, the lack of control, the feeling of helplessness over things going on inside my own body.
I have 8 hours and 14 minutes left until the ultrasound appointment. Did I mention it's a full-bladder u/s? Don't we all just love those? I had two last pregnancy, and remember them in very clear detail. The other 5 ultrasounds, not so much. But those two, definitely.
I'm trying to focus on working today and praying when I start to freak out. Unfortunately, I have nothing to do workwise, so I keep finding myself hanging out on pregnancy boards and reading all these horror stories. I think my biggest fear is that we wont see a heartbeat today and that we'll have to wait a week or two to check again. And I will LOSE MY MIND while waiting.
Truth be told, I'm regretting not telling more people in my group of friends. If we do get bad news today, there are people that I would like to be able to talk to and have praying for me, but I am not sure I want to tell people bad news if I didn't first share the good news. If that makes any sense.
But hopefully it'll just be good news and all this freaking out will be for nothing.
Yesterday I managed to stay more sane, thanks to hanging out with Lizzie in the afternoon. We went to a community center that has a fabulous toddler room, where Ethan was able to run around and throw things and practice saying "uh-oh!", which is his first word. Lucy, being only 10 weeks old, was less impressed, but still seemed to have fun. It was good to get out and have a real conversation and be distracted for a while.
Anyway, sounds like Ethan's up, so I need to get him fed before I drop him off at daycare. And then come back here to check my work email obsessively in the hopes that someone will find SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO!!!
Edited to add- They found me work. I get to research birth defects all day! Ah, the joys of being a reproductive/developmental toxicologist...