Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Doing so much better

Back in the weeks (and months, let's be honest) leading up to Ethan's birthday, I was NOT doing well. Not at all.  There were days when I just sat in the middle of the living room floor and cried. Which freaked out Ethan, if he was around, and then he'd cry and I'd have to get over it.  Things were particularly bad right before his birthday, when I felt like I was reliving all of the emotions surrounding his birth and was still second guessing the decisions that I made and wondering for the 90billionth time if I could have just pushed a little harder and gotten him out on my own.

And then his birthday came and went and I was suddenly, strangely, fine.  It was like my brain was saying "okay, we made it through this year and those things that happened are all now in the distant past, and whatever."  It was really weird.  I feel like that was a whole different person and am entirely confused as to what her problem was.

Now, I do have to realize that life has also been extremely busy since Ethan turned one and the sun did come out, which also really help my mood.  And Daniel and I are working on a one-year plan for the family, which excites me.  It involves moving and babies and changes to lots of things, but I think it's a realistic plan, and it's a plan for next year, so I don't have to actually do anything for a very long time.  Other than try to have another baby. 

I think the only thing that I'm still feeling angst about right now is my social life. I snapped at Daniel yesterday when he told me he'd been out to lunch with his friend.  Which he totally needs to do and he deserves a break from working so hard.  I was just feeling annoyed because my social life is the thing that has fallen through the cracks lately. My coworkers and I don't really talk much, and my workdays pretty much involve me getting to work at 7, eating lunch at my desk, and leaving at 3 to go pick up Ethan and spend the rest of the evening doing mom stuff. And my days off are filled with walks and playing at home, but it's usually just me and Ethan.  And, although he carries on long, complicated conversations with me all day, I'm not really sure what we're talking about, so mentally stimulating they are not.  Things have been especially bad on this front since Daniel started his new job, because he is VERY VERY busy.  I occasionally catch him online, but never for long, and rarely more than once or twice a day. 

So, I need to figure this out, how to spend more time with friends and get out of my hermit-like habits.  I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing this, as I'm severely limited by my lack of a car 6 days out of the week, and living downtown tends to keep people from visiting me. And since most of my friends are also moms of little ones, coordinating schedules around naptimes and mealtimes is tough.  Weekends are family time, and I'm not willing to give much of that up. Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm completely and utterly scared of talking to people I don't know? It takes me eons to make friends when I meet people because I have such a hard time knowing what to say and I feel so stupid when talking to strangers that it almost paralyzes me at times. There is no good answer here! 

Oh well, something to think about for the rest of the afternoon while I do laundry and dishes, I suppose. :)


BJ said...

I'm glad to hear you're better. It took me years to get over my first c-section, and all the feelings that came with it. Actually, I'm not sure I'm completely over it yet. And then I had another one, with more major complications, so I'm processing two bad experiences now instead of just one. I think it's awesome you've decided to try for another baby! I hope it goes easily, smoothly, and stress-free from conception through to delivery.

Lizzie said...

I have a solution! You should play with meeeee!