Sunday, July 27, 2008

I'm not even sure why this is weird

My last boyfriend pre-Daniel is getting married in two weeks. I'm really happy for him, he's a great guy. But it's still weird. I found out a while back about his wedding, and I've been trying to figure out why. And I think I've figured it out.

I met John when we were both missionaries in Ukraine. I'd been there for 9 months when he showed up, and I had spent that time hanging out with my single female Ukrainian friends and married Americans. And people kept joking about John and I ending up together. I was determined that we would not, but when he arrived, he was a really nice guy, and we enjoyed spending time together. After a few months of being friends, we decided to give a relationship a shot. But it was a weird relationship, because we had different ideas of what we wanted, and because I was headed back to the States fairly early in our relationship. We were determined to make things work though, and made plans for our future and my permanent return to Ukraine, and our lifelong missionary work.

When things finally fell apart after I'd been home for a few months, and we finally broke up during his first visit back to the US, I found myself a little lost. Because we'd had all these plans, that seemed to fit in with what I wanted. And the death of those plans meant I had to figure out who I was as a single person and where God was leading ME in my life. I hate change and uncertainty. It was a hard time after the break-up, especially since it coincided with my moving to Seattle and starting grad school. Fortunately, grad school is too much work to allow much time for wallowing, and I recovered and moved on with my life.

And I married the man of my dreams and had the baby of my dreams and have a life that I always dreamed of. So why is this all weird? Why is it a little glimpse of the heartbreak that it was 7 years ago? I think it's because he's gone on living the plan that we had. She's going to be living the life that I thought I wanted. And even though I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't have been happy in that life, it's still a little weird to see someone else living it.

Old emotions are weird- they hang with us for so much longer than we think they should and come up at the strangest times!

Off to snuggle with my wonderful husband and thank God for guiding me to the life that is really right for me. Past heartbreak be damned.

** Edited to add- the reason for this post is that it's the topic of the day over at Go read everyone else's posts too!


Anonymous said...

I totally understand that weirdness. And I can't explain it any better than you can. :)

Ry said...

Wonderful take on the heartbreak theme. I can understand it, I remember when an ex of mine got married and how it felt. Hard to explain but somehow heartbreaking.

I'm glad you found the one you're meant to be with!

Ashley said...

I know how you feel, and it IS a strange thing! My first love, first kiss, first guy to break my heart, first EVERYTHING guy got married about a year before I did. I lost touch with him, and I still don't keep in touch now. But I have to admit that I stealthily check his wife's Facebook page every so often to see pictures of them together and stuff they're doing. It's not that I wish I ended up with him or anything, because I don't, but for some reason I kind of hate his wife! I like your sentence "She's living the life I thought I wanted." That explains it better than anything I can think of!

Lizzie said...

What if you me and Maggie ran into each other at the mall? That would have been weird. Also? I need your email address for random comments like this that don't need to be posted on your lovely heartbreak theme post - mine's :) Did you end up going to the torchlight thing?