Thursday, May 1, 2008

Losing it a little

I'm going to whine and be depressing in this post. Feel free to not read it. But if I don't write this out, I might lose my mind.

I'm not doing well. I'm tired and grouchy and sick of all this. I love my baby and my husband, but I'm already tired of being a mom. Not the part that involves Ethan, but the laundry and the dishes and the diapers. And especially the waking up at 3 AM because the baby wants to play and when he is ignored, he screams so loudly that it keeps us awake, even if we turn off the baby monitor. And I'm tired of mom hormones, especially the ones that result from my body still resetting itself post-pregnancy and post-nursing, the ones that have made me have PMS and my period 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

Today we got a notice from our home owners association that we owed $25 for a fee for a check that hadn't gone through right. It was mainly my fault and partly the bank's fault, but mainly mine. And I ended up yelling at Daniel about it and then being rude in email to the home owner's association person (and then having to call and apologize to her, and she hadn't even noticed that I was rude, but I knew I had been). Over a $25 fee.

And now Daniel's off scooter shopping again, and I'm stuck at home with Ethan, who didn't nap all day, so he went to bed at 5:15, which means he'll be up again around 10, right when I'm about to fall over from exhaustion.

Sick of my complaining yet? I'm so sick of my brain and all my discouragement. Truly, I know I have nothing to complain about and that I have a life that many people would envy. Which is why I'm so sick of this being down and discouraged and tired all the time. I don't have any real reason for it.

But I just want to sit on my couch and cry. And eat ice cream. Which I got a great deal on today at the grocery store- the fancy new Haagen Daaz Private Reserve kind- some sort of caramel and sea salt- I got it for $1 with sale and coupons! That alone will keep me going for a bit longer today.

I don't know. Maybe I should go talk to someone. But my doctor has left practice to be a stay-at-home mom, so I don't have a good option there. And Daniel keeps trying to understand, but he just doesn't get it. Which I don't blame him for, because I don't really get it either.

Okay, off to cook dinner now and stop whining. I can do this. I'm fine, really. Just needed to vent. If anyone is still reading- thanks for listening.


Karen said...

Carrie, repeat after me:

"I am not superwoman"

Now go sit with your ice cream and a cozy blanket and relax. Give yourself permission to not do it all, to not do it all exactly right, and to not do it all exactly right every single day.

Still Trying said...

I agree with what karen said.

I also want to say that feeling that way is normal. Don't feel bad about admitting that being a parent is hard. Yes, it's a blessing... but it's still hard.

And finally, my unsolicited advice: Get as much sleep as you can even if you leave other things undone for a while.

This will pass!

carrie said...

Those damn hormones. I blame them for everything!

Hugs to you!

Also, I changed my blog name! Let me know what you think if you get a minute!

lindsey kate said...

You are so completely normal. I don't know a single mom (and I know LOTS of moms) who hasn't felt tired and overwhelmed and ready to throw in the towel from time to time. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world ... one from which we get no weekends off, very infrequent vacations, little pay (monetarily speaking), and little time to decompress and recharge for the demands of the next day.

Ditto what Karen said. I hope your ice cream and cozy blanket brought a bit of joy to your tired soul.