Monday, May 12, 2008

The grass, it is always greener

Taking a break from one of the most mindnumbing projects that I've worked on in almost 5 years at my company. A project that is going to be at the top of my work to-do list for months. I'm going to have to come up with some sort of survival strategy.

Anyway. Just thinking about something today, after having a short e-conversation with my best friend. She and I haven't seen too much of each other lately, what with her job and activities and dating and with me no longer able to leave the house after 5 PM or get online to chat with her in the afternoons (both courtesy of the world's cutest baby). When we do talk, it's mostly about what's going on in her world, or the general details of what Ethan's up to. Nothing too deep. And, truthfully, I haven't really talked with much of anyone about the "deep" things going on with me right now. Except for all of you. Not people I know in real life though. I don't really like relying on people much.

So today we were chatting and she commented how her branch of my family (she's also a relative) had decided this weekend that marriage and motherhood agrees with me. They were apparently concerned, since I don't actually like kids very much and they didn't know how I was going to handle being a mom. But they concluded that I was doing wonderfully and shouldn't have worried.

I casually mentioned that I was struggling quite a bit right now, but that I was good at pretending when around others. She kind of blew it off. Said I was doing great and that she was jealous of my life with a husband and a baby. Granted, she had to rush back to working, and we didn't really have time to talk. But she didn't even really acknowledge what I'd said. That's hard, because I thought I was being brave by saying anything at all, given my usual focus on appearing perfect and happy. I don't expect her to be able to fix it or understand even, but just listening would be nice.

I wouldn't want to go back to being single, and I cant imagine life without Ethan. And I feel guilty for even having problems since my life is great and I have all the things I ever hoped for. But this great life came along with some things I never expected, and I don't know exactly what to do with them.

Okay, whining over. Back to my project. It might be mindnumbing, but at least it isn't complicated. And anything simple and easy to deal with is much appreciated right now.


Naarski (the Mrs.) said...

Found your blog on Seattle Mom Blogs. I so appreciate this post and your "Loosing it a little" post. For real-I have been at each of these places and I can tell you it gets better-especially when your baby starts giving more back. Who knew this job of being a mom never ends? I mean, it is so new, overwhelming and hormonal.It is crazy. A confident-do everything mom never expects to lose control or get overwhelmed. But hormones and the newness of being a mom and doing "everything" just gets to you sometimes. And it is okay. You will make it through and prayer really helps.

Pam said...

That's motherhood for you - a catch 22:)

Such a bummer about your friend. Maybe what you said will sink in and she'll be back around to support you when you least expect it. I hope so.

lindsey kate said...

I can so relate to your comment, "But this great life came along with some things I never expected, and I don't know exactly what to do with them."

During our single days most of us idealize marriage and motherhood, never really realizing the great sacrifices those roles will demand of us.

I spent my first two years as a mom absolutely shell-shocked and depressed at times) that my world had been thrown into such disorder. And that no one really seemed to understand what I was going through.

Don't lose hope. It really does get easier.