This morning I had to go for a consultation with the implant dentist- a crown that's been hanging-in-there-just-barely for the past 6 years finally came loose a few months ago and can't be fixed. So I have to get an implant and walk around with a big gap in my mouth for 2 months. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that. But that's not the weird part.
The weird part is that as I sat in the examining chair waiting for the dentist, a patient in the cubicle next to mine started to go through his procedure. Which apparently involved sedation and so he was hooked up to a heart monitor. Which started to beep in the regular heartbeat-everything is fine way, but I started to breathe fast and then tear up. I found myself sitting in the chair, digging my fingernails into my hands and trying to not cry. And I realized that it was the first time I've heard a heart monitor since the drama of Ethan's birth, when I had to listen to his heartbeat as I laid on my left side all day, hooked up to more machines than I ever imagined was possible. And the sound brought back all the fear and anticipation and other emotions of that day. It brought back the guilt in feeling (incredibly irrationally) that I could have tried harder, that there was something else I could have done to get that baby out or to go through the c-section without general anesthesia so that I didn't have to miss the birth of my baby.
I keep thinking I'm past all this, that it should be in the past. Because Ethan is healthy and I am fine and Daniel is just glad that those two things are true, no matter what happened back on that day in August. So why does it keep coming back at the most random times? It doesn't matter anymore, this is something I shouldn't even remotely be wasting my time thinking about!
The brain is an odd thing. Hides things from us when we want to deal with them, then springs them on us when we're totally unprepared.
In other news, Daniel's decided he needs to buy a scooter for his commute to and from work. I'm up for anything that gets him home quicker in the evening- the additional 20 minutes that have been added to his commute by his move a mile further south on 5th Avenue seem like an eternity in the evenings. Hopefully he'll find something affordable and stylish at the same time. I'll post pictures once he finally gets something.