Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Christmas music??????-EDITED

I just was getting ready, and turned on the radio in the bathroom. And immediately heard Christmas music!! I like Christmas as much as the next person, but it's Halloween! I'm wearing a Halloween t-shirt and am getting ready to put Ethan in his costume. There are pretty orange and red leaves on the trees and a pumpkin sitting on our windowsill. It's FALL time, not winter! I'm not mentally prepared for Christmas yet. Let's wait until at least mid-November, people, seriously.

***So, I emailed the radio station to question the Christmas music, and they said not to worry, that it's just their costume for today, and they wont start Christmas music for real until the day after Thanksgiving. Phew.

Busy- and loving it!

Ah- the contentment that comes along with a full calendar :) I'm kind of disturbed that way- when I have nothing to do and nothing going on, I turn into a big lump on the couch, and even simple tasks get complicated. But when things start picking up, I build momentum and it's full-speed ahead!

We're busy these days. I've been working as much as possible, during Ethan's naptimes and a bit on the weekend when Daniel can hang out with him. We have a paper that we're submitting to a journal for publication in January, so there's lots of work to be done for that.

And our social life is getting busy too. Between PEPS and church and hanging out with other friends and trips, we've managed to book up most of November. I actually had to turn down several invitations this week!

But, in the midst of all of this, I'm still having to learn balance. Yesterday I bought treats at the store (for a party we're going to tonight) instead of trying to bake something, as I had planned. And we have to accept invitations and make plans while still leaving lots of time for Ethan's naps. We didn't do that on Saturday and paid the price.

It's so nice to be coming out of the "new-baby" bubble and re-entering the real world!

Picture of our pumpkin patch outing on Saturday:

Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday's topic

One of the lovely women over at Seattle Mom Blogs gave us this assignment to write about today: How long have you lived in Seattle? Why here, of all places? Where else would you live, given your choice, and why?

1. I have lived in Seattle since September, 2001. Before that I was a missionary in Ukraine, then came home and lived with my parents for the summer in Pittsburgh, and worked as a telemarketer. Not my favorite job memory. Then I packed up my belongings, and drove to Seattle with my grandmother (who had flown out from Portland to keep me company on the drive).

2. I moved to Seattle to go to graduate school at the University of Washington. But I was inspired to apply for grad school here because most of my extended family is out on the West Coast. My parents grew up in Portland, and I lived in the Portland area until I was 12, when Dad's job moved us to Tennessee. When I was applying for grad schools, I wanted to attend one close to my relatives, so that I could get to know them all again.

3. Seattle is home for me. I've moved a lot in my life, but have never lived anywhere that just felt so right. I love so much about this city. I'll be very sad if we ever have to leave. No plans to do so though, as my husband loves it here too.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I never thought I would be that woman

I've read people's blogs and comments on moms' message boards where they are bemoaning the fact that their little babies are outgrowing their clothes and it's so hard to put the too-small clothes away. I was completely, 100% convinced that I could never feel that way. I hate having "stuff" in the condo and the fact that Ethan currently owns more clothes than I do- that stresses me. Or rather, used to stress me. I thought I would be thrilled when he outgrew his newborn sized clothes and could start wearing the 3 month size.

People- he's outgrowing his newborn clothes! And they're so cute and I cant believe he's getting big so fast and he's already ready for the 3 month clothes. I just finished going through piles of clothes in his room and sorting out what to pass on to friends and I practically had to tear myself away from the adorable little piles of onesies that he looked SO cute in! :( In truth, he still could probably wear some of the newborn sizes for a bit longer, but he has tons of 3 month clothes, and those fit a little better. So it's time to pass on the newborn clothes. But I don't want to.

In other news- we're working on getting on a better sleep schedule. So far the idea of not letting him stay up for more than 2 hours at a time seems to be working. I think I was letting him get a little overtired before. He's napping really well now. The other nice side benefit of the baby sleeping more often and going to bed earlier is that Daniel misses holding him in the evening, and actually begged me to let him get up with Ethan at 6 AM today. Um, yes!! I got to sleep until 8!

We're going to a pumpkin patch tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to that. Gorgeous weather again here in Seattle, so it should be great fun.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I guess it is the season for horror movies

Isn't there a classic horror movie in which one of the characters has an episode of projectile vomiting? I don't watch horror movies (scare too easily), so I don't know which one, but it seems like I've seen that somewhere.

Well, we decided to re-enact that last night. Ethan had just eaten and had a full belly. I decided that it was a good time to give him his Tri-Vi-Sol vitamin drops. I know that I always feel better when I take vitamins on a full stomach, so the plan made sense to me. I laid him down on the counter, gave him the drops and was feeling very proud of myself because the drops actually went in his mouth instead of all over his face and neck. I picked him up and was holding him while we chatted with Daniel.

Then Ethan gave a little cough, I looked down, and a fountain of brown-tinged (from the vitamin drops) spit-up came out of his mouth. It went all over him and on my shirt as well. Just my pjs, no big deal. Not too fun, but we've had worse. Then Ethan gave another little cough, followed by a larger fountain of spit-up. At this point, there is spit-up running off my arm onto the floor. He's managed to get spit-up on the counter, the floor, the carpet and the side of the counter. I just stood there, dripping, not entirely sure what to do. And while I stood there, he did it again. I don't know how he even had that much food in his stomach. More stunned standing in place from me, and Daniel stood and stared at Ethan and I. Somehow he had no spit-up on himself.

I finally got Daniel to mop up the spit-up that was running off my arm and to wipe off my foot so that I wouldn't track it through the house. I'm not entirely sure what I would have done if I'd been home alone at the time. Clean-up of Ethan was pretty easy, so I took care of that, then dumped Ethan in Daniel's arm, poured a glass of wine and went to take a bath. That's really the only way to deal with this kind of situation.

There is just no way that you can be prepared for this type of thing. You hear about it, but it's totally unbelievable until it actually happens to you.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

So, this is motherhood

According to some of the comments on my past posts, the things I've been thinking about and experiencing are not too weird- they're just part of my new life as a mom. Thanks to all of you for reassuring me that I'm not crazy.

So, here's the summary of what I have learned in 10.5 weeks.

Motherhood is being disturbed by my body with its sagginess and flabbiness, yet still being amazed by what my body has produced every time I look at my son. And it is being proud that I feed him every day, and feed him well, with this body that I don't entirely recognize.

Motherhood is being tired on the mornings when I have to get up at 2 AM to feed Ethan, but on the mornings when I haven't gotten up in the middle of the night, motherhood is the part of me that worries about his silence before reveling in my lack of exhaustion.

Motherhood is doubting the decisions that I make, while at the same time knowing that I'm the one that needs to make decisions for Ethan, and that I am more qualified than anyone else to do so.

Motherhood is craving my husband and loving him for helping me have such a beautiful baby, yet at the same time blaming him for getting me pregnant in the first place (even though it was kind of my idea- I've just rewritten history a bit) and having an overwhelming fear of ever getting pregnant again.

Motherhood is being overwhelmingly frustrated with his crying and needing to get out of the condo- away by myself- anywhere- please, then missing him when I'm gone and enjoying my return more than I did my exit.

Motherhood is taking pride in my well-fed baby and piles of clean laundry, even though part of me misses the paychecks and status that went along with my job.

And, most importantly, motherhood is knowing that I don't know anything- that I have so much to learn, from Daniel, from Ethan, from older mothers, from people around me. And it's knowing that I will pretend to know everything for as long as I possibly can, and that I will be sad on the day when Ethan finally figures out that I've been faking all along.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Physical appearance

One of my major struggles these days is with my physical appearance. To get right to the point, I'm not very happy with it. Still packing around 25 extra pounds of weight (20 of which were gained in pregnancy, 5 during the holidays before pregnancy). I've lost the "baby" weight- that came off pretty quickly. Now I'm left with "I'm pregnant and can't do anything fun and feel sorry for myself, so I'll eat cake" weight. I'm only 5 feet tall, so 25 pounds is huge.

And my hair, my beautiful new haircut that I was so excited about a couple of weeks ago- not looking so great right now. Darn it. I have challenging hair, to say the least. It's actually a lot better right now than usual, since it still hasn't started its post-pregnancy suicide.

I know how to lose the weight. I just don't want to do the things I need to do. So I have no one to blame but myself for my physical appearance. And my hair would probably look better if I went somewhere that charged more than $15 for a haircut. Which Daniel said I was free to do, that I deserved a nice haircut if that would make me happy. But I couldn't do it. I'm just too cheap. When it came down to it, I went to the academy for a fancy Seattle salon, not the salon itself.

I just feel so self-conscious about my appearance these days. I feel like when I meet people, they look at Ethan, comment on his cuteness, then that conversation topic is exhausted, because he still doesn't do much worthy of conversation. Then attention shifts to me, and that's terrifying. I should just show people the stretch marks on my stomach, then they'd run away in fear, and I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I do exercise, which is something. Not the world's best exercising, since my energy level is pretty low by the evening. But it's a start.

I just need to suck it up and get my act together. I know that my self-image and my marriage and my energy level would all improve if I can eat better and exercise more vigorously. And I could wear my cute clothes again then! Hopefully I'll manage to get my brain and my body on the same page soon.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday, part 2

We went to the store (not QFC, for once), then over to Seattle Center. Where I continued on my path of un-healthy eating (sigh- we'll deal with that tomorrow). But- my mood has improved about a million times. The first mood boost was just being outside in the glorious fall weather. Blue sky, pretty leaves, nice warm day. Cant beat it.

Then I got to the Center House at Seattle Center, and found out that they had a band there and were having a dance. The Center House stage was full of older folks dancing. Too cute.

I wound up my outing by sitting outside and enjoying the musical fountain and the sunshine. And a chai latte (and some fudge, if we're being honest).
video
Finally, I came home and uploaded some pictures from our camera. How can you not be happy when you see a picture this cute (disclaimer- he's not always this cute in reality).


Bleh

I need to find something to do today. Preferably out of the condo. I just called Daniel and whined to him that I was bored. He did not have any suggestions that I approved of. You can only walk around Seattle Center so many times before that gets old. Especially by yourself. It's just not that interesting. I like walking, but I prefer having someone along to talk to, to distract myself from the fact that I'm exercising.

In related news, feeling fat today. I think I ate everything in the fridge this morning. Not a great way to start this weight loss challenge that I'm participating in. I may have to not be a part of that after all- I'm tired of being stuck at this weight, but I don't know if I'm ready to employ the discipline that it takes to actually do something about that. And diets are a waste of time without that mental discipline.

I'm lonely today too. Being a mom at home with a baby is not a job with great conversation. No water cooler and no one to gossip around it with. Ethan's way behind on pop culture, so he's useless. :)

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Conflicting needs

I have two needs these days- sleep and time to myself. Right now it's 11:30 PM, my husband is asleep (mostly), my baby is asleep (hallelujah) and I am awake, playing on the computer. The reason that I am awake and playing on the computer is simple- my husband and baby are asleep. I love them both dearly, but when they are awake, they are either demanding my attention or just generally making noise and being distracting. This is not their fault. After all, we live in a 900 square foot condo, so we are frequently getting in each other's way.

But, right now, they're asleep, and I am free to do whatever I want. I have no distractions and no one bothering me. Other than our two completely insane cats, who are chasing each other around the house at the moment.

I find that I crave this time- the time to just play and blog and read and zone out. I also find that at 2 AM when the baby needs me again, I regret taking this time. Nevertheless, here I am again, on the computer instead of sleeping. My beloved just stuck his head out of the bedroom a minute ago to see why I was still up (I so should have lied and claimed the baby was keeping me up- would have gotten sympathy points then!) and asked if I was coming to bed soon. I do like to snuggle with him, so I'm sure my alone time will soon end.

Is this what motherhood is? A constant weighing of needs to see which one wins out at the moment, never mind the price that will be paid when other needs aren't met?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

So, apparently I have to be an adult about this

As I've mentioned on this blog before, my beloved and I are not planning to have any more biological children. The pregnancy was hard on my body, the delivery was rough, and I don't want to put us through that situation again. And, adoption has always been a dream that Daniel and I both had, so it makes sense to us.

So, we're having to figure out long-term birth control. Although, I have to say, Ethan's refusal to fall asleep until I'm 30 seconds from collapsing into an exhausted coma, is also very effective :)

Since I cannot envision any situation in which I would want to have another biological child, Daniel and I had discussed him having vasectomy. Which he talked about with his doctor today. Being a good doctor, she advised that it is not a good procedure to go through unless a couple is SURE that that's what they want to do. She suggested alternate options, such as an IUD. Daniel told me that, and my first reaction was "but I don't WANT to do that." I managed to not phrase it in quite that way when I answered him. Because I know that Daniel's totally needle and doctor-phobic, so I'm sure he's not exactly jumping up and down at the option that involves him. But my body has been through so many pokes and prods and invasive procedures in the last year that the thought of undergoing any sort of anything medical, well, it makes me feel a little ill.

Now we'll have to be rational adults and weigh the pros and cons of all ideas, and make a rational, logical decision. Seriously, I just want to whine and complain and generally gripe, and make Daniel go ahead with the decision that we'd originally made. But that's not a good plan. I'm 30 years old, I'm a mother, and I'm a wife, and it's time to step up and be a mature adult (for a little while, at least). Sigh.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

My way of coping with baby stress (not a recommendation)

So, here's how I've been coping with baby stress lately. It seems to have gotten worse since I decided to try to get back on track with my points counting.

Get up at 3 AM- baby's crying. Grab a cookie on my way to feed him.

Get up at 7 AM- feed baby. Make coffee. So far so good. Eat 3 pumpkin muffins while waiting for coffee to finish. Already in trouble for the day.

9 AM. Finished with feeding/changing/talking to baby. Drink the relatively healthy fruit smoothie that my husband made before he left for work. Follow it up with waffles.

Manage not to eat again until noon. Get up to go into kitchen to do something. Cant remember what. Instead get a bowl of pita chips.

1 PM- lunch

2-4 PM- randomly snack whenever I feel bored or when the baby cries.

5 PM- pre dinner snack! Usually more pita chips.

7 PM- dinner

8-10 PM- dessert. Followed by another snack. Followed by a second dessert.

Sigh. This is all especially frustrating because I know how to lose weight and how to eat healthy. I just don't want to now. But then I get frustrated because my clothes don't fit and I have no energy. I'm really hoping to get on track soon. I'm joining a weight loss challenge from another Seattle Mom Blogger. Maybe that will spur me to action.

Okay, gotta go. I convinced my husband to buy cake when he stopped by the store, and he just got home. Love that man!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Not about the baby

My best girlfriend met a guy almost three years ago. And dated him for a couple of years. During which time he failed to endear himself to any of her friends or family. We all tried to like him, but none of us succeeded. In fact, the longer he was around, the more I disliked him. I think it's safe to say that I dislike him more than I've ever disliked anyone in my life. He treated my friend like crap- giving her just enough to make her stay, and emotionally manipulating her into putting up with his bad behavior. When she tried to express her feelings, he would accuse her of being selfish or mean. She would try to make compromises on things that were important to her, only to lose the battle entirely.

Earlier this year, she finally managed to cut the ties to him. Which was excruciatingly hard for her, as she is a sweet, caring person. And she truly loved him. Thankfully, the jerk was too lazy to really pursue things too much, and we thought she was finally rid of him.

Then he came back. And now my friend is confused and upset and scared. And, I fear, in danger of getting back into a relationship with this guy. Which cannot possibly lead to anything good.

I'm really scared for her. I just wish he'd tried to start this all again back when I was still pregnant. I was much crankier and hormonal then, and I would have totally kicked his butt.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Oh well

Apparently not all babies deal with 2-month shots by sleeping. Ethan napped for an hour when we got home from the doctor. Then started screaming. And hasnt stopped yet. He almost never cries like this, so he must be feeling pretty rotten.

To all of you who have babies who have colic or just cry a lot, hats off to you. I'm totally in awe. Two hours of screaming, and I'm about to lose my mind. Gotta go, time to head back to the couch to hope that snuggling will eventually make him feel better.

Okay, first things first



This nice long post comes to you courtesy of Ethan's 2 month shots. I intend to get so much done today! I feel kind of guilty being so excited about him sleeping, since I know he probably doesn't feel well. But not very guilty :)

Most important thing- on Friday night, I was wearing my absolute favorite, incredibly cute shoes. But I had to take them off at the door, since the floors were bamboo. So, for those of you who were there Friday, here's what you missed.




Had a nice day yesterday. Church was great- good sermon about discipleship and spending time in the Word. Something I have become sadly lax about lately. I really need to use some of my baby-feeding time for reading the Bible instead of watching America's Next Top Model and Top Chef. After church we went to Discovery Park, a very cool park in Seattle. We didn't manage to make it to the beach or the lighthouse, because we're directionally challenged and kept going the wrong directions. But we'll try again next time.

Here's a photo of the new haircut. It doesn't look as good now as it did Saturday when the stylist had it looking all pretty. But it's way easier to care for than the old longer hair style, which is nice. I need to do something about the color too. Another day.


I'm wearing the shirt that we got from Method on Friday night. Too cute.
Ethan's 2 month appointment went well. He was not fond of all the shots, but he's gaining weight well and everything else looked good. Sadly, our doctor is leaving next month. She's been my doctor through the pregnancy and now Ethan's doctor as well, so I feel sad that she's going away. I'm sure that the other doctors at the practice are just as good, but still.
So, I'm off to clean and organize things now. Thinking about baking some pumpkin muffins later. The weather seems to call for it.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

What a great weekend so far!

I am having the best weekend! Last night I got to go to a wonderful and very fun Seattle Mom Bloggers event. I'll post pictures soon, when I get them off my camera. The event was hosted by Method (the cleaning products). We got to check out the cleaning products, which I already loved, and like even more now, enjoy fun cocktails made by Liquid Muse , and, most importantly, chat with a whole bunch of the other Seattle Mom Bloggers. All of whom were great. The funniest part of the evening, in my opinion, was when we would meet someone new. People would introduce themselves by name, then stare at each other's chests, where the nametags were that indicated the name of the blog that the person wrote. It's so strange to not know someone's name, but to know pretty much every other detail of their lives.

Today Daniel and I traded off getting haircuts and going to the gym. He went and did both in the morning, then I went to the gym after he got home. Later in the day, I went up to the Gene Juarez Academy, where I got a fabulous haircut for $12. And, honestly, it's probably the best haircut I've ever had. It's short, but will be easy to deal with in the mornings. I might actually be able to look decent during the day, and to avoid the omnipresent ponytail. I miss running Saturday errands with Daniel, but it was nice to get things done.

The other thing we did today was get passport photos taken for Ethan. Poor Ethan, he's going to have to spend the first 5 years of his life with a passport photo with his mom's hand holding him from behind his head. My fingers are visible in the photo, but that's about the only way you can get a photo of a 2-month old against the required background at the photo store.

And, to top it all off, tonight we went out to Fisherman's Terminal in Ballard and had a lovely dinner at Chinook's. A great restaurant with great food, and fairly noisy, so no one would notice a screaming baby. Ethan actually slept the whole time though, so Daniel and I were able to sit and hold hands and chat. It was all nice.

Tomorrow's church and some family time. I've had a great last 24 hours getting stuff done on my own. And I am so blessed to have a husband who never complains or acts at all unwilling to watch the baby while I'm gone. I know I've said this before, but seeing Daniel with Ethan, and how wonderfully he takes care of him... just makes me fall even more in love with him.

I'll post pictures from Friday night and of my new haircut soon!

Friday, October 12, 2007

A good way to damage your marriage

If there are any men out there, looking for a fast and easy way to irritate their wives, here's a good one. Wait until 4 AM when the baby starts crying. Mumble something in your sleep and burrow deeper into the covers. Then, once said wife has left the bedroom to go have her nipples chewed on by your piranha-like child/hooked up to a machine resembling an automatic cow milker, take all of the bed covers, roll yourself up in them in a cocoon-like lump, place yourself in the middle of the bed, and put your head on the corner of her pillow. This will go over smashingly with her when she returns from the baby's room 45 minutes later, hoping desperately for more sleep.

:) I should cut him some slack- he's so good to me the rest of the time, I guess I cant blame his semi-conscious self for his actions.

I'm going to leave the house tonight! After dark! I'm going to a Seattle Mom Blogs party this evening. Which doesn't even start until 8. It is supposed to last until 11, but I'm fairly sure that I'll turn into a pumpkin before then, so doubt that I'll make it that long. I am usually sound asleep by 10 these days. But, anyway, I get to go socialize with adults! My need to get out and do something fun is actually trumping my fear of talking to strangers, and I'm really excited. Now I just have to figure out what to wear that will fit both at the beginning of the party and also several hours later when my bosom area has doubled in size. The fun challenges of dressing as a nursing mom. I'll report back on the event tomorrow. I'm so excited!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Treading water


Can you believe this little one is 2 months old already?

This week I feel like I'm treading water in my life- which is actually a HUGE improvement over the last few months when I felt like I was drowning. Ethan and I are doing better with getting out during the day, and I've been able to do things like work a few hours here and there and go to the gym some evenings after Daniel gets home from work.




However, I'm still struggling with the aspect of my personality that has to have everything 100% done, all the time. Any little thing in my house that's needing to be cleaned/fixed/organized/put away/washed/etc., I feel like it has to be done right that minute. So, I'm either starting a project (or 17) during Ethan's naps, and getting annoyed when he wakes up before I'm done, or I'm exhausting myself in the evenings when Daniel's home to hold Ethan. And, of course, the to-do list is never ending, since I have a 2-month old baby and there is always laundry and dishes, even if everything else is clean.

I'd like to be able to convince myself to just let it all go and set realistic goals. But so far, I haven't been able to do that. Honestly, it seems to be getting worse as time goes along and I'm getting more sleep and have more energy. I feel this overwhelming need to do things. Everything. All at once.

I'm worried about what's going to happen when I go back to work more than the random hours that I'm working now. I'm scared that I'm going to sacrifice my time with Ethan to doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom and putting pictures in an album (all things that have taken over my mind this week). Balance has never been my strong point- obsessive behavior is more my forte.

I really hope that it's not too late to learn to relax and sit still and just enjoy life without my to-do list scrolling through my mind. I'm going to take a first step right now, and turn off the computer for the rest of the night and try not to worry about the fact that I didn't get the bathtub cleaned today. Easier said than done, but I have to start somewhere.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Serious double standard

My husband's way to unwind after work (and he works very hard) is to come home and look at real estate online, or research some new and fancy electronic gadget, or read his work email. I realized last week that either he or I was on the computer at most points in the evening, while the other person had the munchkin. This, obviously, prevents us from spending time together. So I suggested that we not have the computer on in the evening. He agreed. I made it to 9 PM and then broke down and turned the computer on. If he had turned on the computer, I would have been annoyed, but I have a massive double standard when it comes to computer time, so felt that it was fine that I broke the rule.

Busy busy days since I last blogged. I actually made it to the gym last Thursday morning at 5:30. It's surprisingly crowded that early in the morning. I don't remember what else I did that day, because I was so tired that I spent most of the day in a daze.

Friday we headed to Sandpoint, Idaho, for the reunion with my friends- most of whom I had worked with during a summer mission in Ukraine. We had a great weekend catching up and talking over old memories. It was a long drive with the extra stops to feed Ethan, but he was really good overall, and we had a pretty good trip. The weekend was wonderful, and so worth the drive. We made it home last night, and it's good to be home.

Today I started doing some work for my job. I am so blessed to have a job that is really flexible, and to have a boss that's willing to send me a few hours of work here and there that I can do in my spare time. It felt so good to use my brain again! I think I accomplished more today than I have since before Ethan was born- when I have one thing to do, I seem to have more energy to get other things done too.

So, that's the round-up of my life this past few days. Not too much exciting going on this week- just a fun Seattle Mom Blogger activity planned for Friday night. I'm really looking forward to it- will blog more about that later.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I'm pretty sure his first words are going to be "Target" and "QFC"

I really need to find new hobbies. We have spent so much time (and money!) at Target since Ethan's birth. It's kind of scary. And we seem to end up at QFC most days, since we can get there without driving. I seem to always come up with something that I forgot to get at the store on our shopping trip the day before. At least it keeps us busy. Today there was a kid throwing a huge temper tantrum at Target. No big deal to people there, especially since almost everyone at Target in the middle of a weekday is a mom with a child. I think most of us were just being glad that it wasn't our kid. The little boy must have screamed for 15 minutes though. You could hear him all around the store. You have to admire that kind of commitment to a tantrum. Must have taken a lot of energy.

Another good PEPS meeting today. It's so nice to be able to get out of the house and spend time trading battle stories with people in a similar situation to myself. And it's fun to see all the other babies.

In my exciting news of the week, I made it to the gym yesterday! It felt great to get moving. I need to find some sort of routine for working out. I'm contemplating going early in the morning- not sure if I'll have the energy or not. We'll see. These are the kinds of things that fill up my mind lately- gym visits, feeding schedules, cooking dinner. And they take up a lot of time and energy. But I have to remember that I don't need to have everything figured out yet. Ethan is only 7.5 weeks old- I'm not supposed to be the expert on anything just yet. Which is hard for me, because I like to figure things out and feel like I know what I'm doing. Not an option here. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if God didn't send me this kid to teach me humility and patience. Hopefully it wont be too hard of a lesson.

Monday, October 1, 2007

I hope she's getting hugs

When I was in my early 20s, I worked for a year in Ukraine. During my time there, I spent some afternoons at one of the local children's hospitals, hanging out with kids who had been abandoned by their families or orphaned, kids who were HIV positive. These babies spent all their time in a large room, with little human contact. My friends and I would go and hold the babies and play with the toddlers. Nothing fancy, just spending time with them. Their faces still haunt my memories.

Since then, I've always had it on my heart that I would like to adopt someday. When I met Daniel and mentioned it to him, he agreed that he would really like to adopt as well. He said that if we did adopt a child, he would reach the end of his days feeling like he had done something important.

The stress of the pregnancy and delivery with Ethan did nothing to change our minds about adoption. We have no plans to have any more biological children, and intend to start working on adopting a little girl from China this February, when we will have been married for the 2 years required by the Chinese government. Adopting from China seems to be the logical choice for us, given that Daniel is a first generation immigrant, and we would have a step up in keeping a Chinese daughter fairly close to her birth culture.

She's on my mind a lot these days, as I watch Ethan grow up. If we adopt next year, we could be adopting a child who's about to be born, or who is an infant right now. So I wonder- is she getting the care she needs, the food she needs, the attention she needs. I see how much Ethan needs physical contact with Daniel and I- I see how much better he sleeps on the nights when we've been holding him and cuddling him during the day and how he can be so quickly calmed from being upset when we pick him up. I worry about our future daughter- wonder if someone is picking her up when she cries. I hope someone is taking good care of her. I hope she's getting some hugs.