Friday, August 24, 2007

Friday

I probably wont be blogging too much next week, as my parents will be arriving for a week and a half long visit on Sunday night. But I might find some time. Who knows. It's not like they're going to actually let me hold my baby the whole time they're here :)

Just getting ready to feed the baby, again, before we head out to the hospital for a quick check-up for me. I haven't taken Ethan out of the house by myself yet, and I haven't driven anywhere in close to a month, so this will be an adventure. Hopefully he'll be in a sleepy stage and not a screaming-for-food stage.

It's kind of weird- today is 2 weeks since Ethan was born, and I just cant help thinking back to the events of 2 weeks ago and being a little sad. Which is strange, because I was never one with a real idea of how I wanted labor to go. My real birth plan was "go to hospital, bring home baby." Which didn't actually happen on one of the two hospital stays, but in the end it came true. I'm not sure why I'm sad. Maybe just because it was such a long process and because we had so many problems. I'm still a little irrationally upset that Daniel and I both missed the birth- that we didn't get that moment of excitement when the baby finally is pushed out. Truth is, it's really a lot better that Daniel wasn't in the room for the c-section, since they had so much trouble with it, and I wouldn't have wanted to be awake for it either. But still, we missed the birth of our baby. The first thing I remember is the nurses waking me up and saying "look, there's your son" and feeling a huge sense of confusion as to what they were talking about. I know things worked out for the best, and in the end Ethan and I were both safe and healthy, and that's what should matter. Maybe I just need to be a little sad for a while.

We're slowly reintegrating ourselves into normal life. Yesterday we went for a walk at the Seattle Center with my friend. Tomorrow we're planning a trip to Target (need more diapers!) and we're tentatively planning to go to church on Sunday. The main issue is not actually Ethan, it's that I'm not good enough at feeding him to do it in public, and I start leaking after about 2 hours, so our outings are limited on time for now. Hopefully we'll get those things figured out soon! I know I feel a lot better emotionally when I'm not stuck inside the condo 24-7.

Okay, time to go feed the munchkin. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and that the weather isn't too horribly hot where you are. It's gorgeous here- come visit Seattle!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

He left me

Not permanently, just until about 5 PM tonight. Truthfully, I think it's harder on Daniel going to work today and leaving his baby behind, than it is for us to have him leave us. Poor guy, he's so completely smitten with Ethan. I've never loved him more than I do this week.

So far we've spent most of the morning eating. Ethan tends to cluster feed in the mornings, starting at his 5 or 6 AM feeding and continuing on until about noon. I'm typing this with one hand, because he doesn't like to be put down between the morning feedings. I'm hoping for him to fall asleep soon- I need to go to the bathroom! I'm really going to be glad when Ethan gets up to 8 pounds and we can use the Baby Bjorn- it'll make it much easier to get things done around the house with two free hands.

It's starting to hit me that I'm really not going back to work anytime soon. It's really very strange. I'm not entirely sure yet how I feel about it.

In good news- I haven't cried since Tuesday! I think maybe the "baby blues" are starting to go away a bit. Sleeping more helps too.

My best friend is coming over in an hour. With laminated things for me to cut out! She's an elementary school teacher, and the week before school is my favorite part of the year every year, because she laminates tons of things for her classroom, and I get to help cut them out of the laminated sheets. Which is one of my all-time favorite activities! Fun!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Sunshine!!!

I always forget how much the weather affects me until we have some days with no sun, then suddenly have sun again. And, just as suddenly, I go from moping around the house or office to having lots of energy and getting things done. The sun is shining today, and I feel about 1000% better. Daniel and I are going to go across the street to SushiLand for lunch- we'll see how the baby likes being out there. I've missed sushi so much- it'll be nice to be able to actually eat the things I love, instead of sitting and staring longingly at the raw salmon as it passes me on the conveyor belt. Still no sake for me today, since it's a lunchtime outing :), but I do plan to have some when we go there for dinner next week.

In other good news, the nurse visited today and Ethan is up over 6 pounds! We might actually get to have him wear some of his cute newborn clothes soon, instead of the same 6 preemie outfits that he's been wearing for the last week and a half.

Thanks to all of you for your kind comments this week. It's definitely been (and I'm sure will continue to be) a tough adjustment. People tell you these things, but you have to live through it to really comprehend it. It's nice to have this blog to vent in- and I appreciate all the feedback. Keep it coming!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Now I'm confused


We had a good night last night- I actually got 2.5 hours of consecutive sleep. I feel so much better than I have in weeks!

I was feeling pretty good about things this morning, then the public health nurse called. Apparently she's still concerned about Ethan's weight- she said he's still not gaining enough weight. So now we're wondering who to believe about things- the doctor we saw yesterday (not our usual doctor) or the nurse. And we're wondering if everyone has the correct weights written down, etc. Ethan seems to be eating better with the every 2-2.5 hour feedings, although we still have to wake him up to feed him. He doesn't wake up on his own and ask for food. But lately, once he is awake, he eats, and eats, and eats.

Our crib tent was tested out this morning- Gracie (our younger cat) decided to try to jump on top of the crib. The tent held up as promised, so we were glad. I would be more glad if the cats wouldn't try to jump on top of the baby's bed, but I'm glad we have the tent to keep them out when they do.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Hallelujah

He gained weight! Quite a bit of it, in fact. He's almost back to his birth weight- hopefully will be there by his 2 week well baby appointment, which is apparently the goal. So, I get to cut back feedings to 2.5-3 hours in the day and we can go up to 4 hours at night!!! I can get more than 45 minutes of sleep in a row!

This is a good day.

Our goal for today

2 hours until our doctor's appointment! Where they will either tell us that we can cut back on feeding frequency or that we need to supplement, but either way, I should get a break from the constant feedings! Freedom!!!!!

Daniel and I have one goal for the day today. Actually dress our child properly when we take him outside. Last week when we went to the doctor, we forgot to put a hat on him or something on his feet. We guiltily covered him up with a blanket and hoped no one would notice. On our 10 minute outing to the grocery store, we again forgot to put a hat on him. It's chilly in Seattle today, so we really need to bundle him up before we head out. I think we're both still adjusting to the idea of having to take care of someone else.

In other news, I'm wearing non-maternity pants today. Granted, they aren't zipped up, and they're 2 sizes larger than my normal non-pregnant size, and I'm covering up the belly band that's holding them up with a maternity top, but we're making progress.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Struggling


I'm struggling a bit. Okay, a lot. The combination of sleep deprivation and of having to feed the baby every hour and a half is wearing me down. Mentally more than physically. I'm really really praying that Ethan will have gained weight when we take him to the doctor tomorrow, because I cant keep up this schedule much longer. And I'm having a hard time bonding with the baby, because I don't really want to hold him/play with him for the 30-45 minutes that I'm not feeding him. The feedings themselves are tough too, because Ethan doesn't really want to eat that often. So it's more like a wrestling match between me and the 5-6 pound baby than anything else. I'm frustrated.

Daniel's doing great. Amazing. He's exactly as wonderful a father as I suspected he would be.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The new face of North America

Daniel and I have spent a lot of time this week participating in a favorite past-time of new parents- the analysis of our son's tiny little features, and the discussion of whose nose/eyes/ears/mouth he has. So far we're pretty decided on the nose, eyes and mouth. And definitely my chubby cheeks. How a 5.5 pound baby can manage to have chubby cheeks and a double chin totally baffles me. It'll be years before some of his other characteristics can be identified and blame assigned- we're praying hard that he'll get my musical talents and Daniel's athletic ability. If he goes the other way around on that one, we're in serious trouble.

But there's an extra element to our baby analysis- the element of which race our baby more resembles. Truthfully, when he's sleeping (which is 99.9999% of the time), it's hard to see much Chinese in him. He doesn't have a whole lot of hair yet, so we don't have that to make him look Asian. And he still has the newborn dark blue eye color, so that's not Chinese. Daniel didn't believe me for a full day when I told him that the baby had blue eyes. The shape of Ethan's eyes is more Asian than Caucasian, when his eyes are open at least. But overall, I don't think people would be able to easily identify him as a half-Asian baby. I feel vaguely guilty about this, like my big bad German genes beat up Daniel's Chinese genes while Ethan was in utero. I even found myself saying the other day "oh, send that picture to your mom. She'll like it, since Ethan looks Chinese in the picture." I don't really think that my in-laws care that much one way or another, although I'm sure they have some moments of concern about my ability to raise a child that is still a part of their culture.

The truth is though, Ethan is the face of New America. Interracial/intercultural marriages are on the rise, and all around us, kids are being born with the beautiful features of multiple races. At our church, we've had 10 babies born this year, and over half of the kids are mixed race. I'm glad Ethan has this group of people who are like him- who have to live in two cultures and constantly answer the question from strangers "now, what are you exactly?" I'm never going to be able to understand what it's like for him- the challenges of visiting grandparents who speak a language that his mother doesn't understand, of having skin a color that doesn't match either of his parents, of being a 15th generation American on one side of his family and a 2nd generation Canadian on the other side. I hope he grows up learning to appreciate both sets of roots and that he can take the best from Daniel's background and family and the best from my background and family and become a strong, loving, God-fearing man. And I hope he can learn to skip before the age of 10 and play t-ball without injuring himself. Seriously, pray for Daniel's athletic genes to prevail.

We are going to be in SO much trouble in a few years

This kid is stubborn. With a capital S. At 6 days old. I've spent about 15 minutes at each of the last two feedings, trying to convince Ethan that my left breast is in fact not bad and evil and that he does in fact need to eat from it. He just clamps his little jaw shut and will not be moved. He doesn't even yawn or make his rooting faces when I'm trying to get him to eat from that side. Just in case I try to slip something in his open mouth. If I offer the other side, all is well, and the mouth opens. But the left side...whoo boy.

Another feeding in 13 minutes. Then back to sleep for a little while longer for all of us. Hurray! Sleep!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Okay, okay

Here are a few photos of our sleepy baby.



Thursday

Our cat, Jenny, keeping an eye on the baby in the pack n play.
Daniel just went out to fax yet another piece of documentation to our short-term disability insurance. More complications with that. I want my money, darn it. The 8 weeks of pay from the insurance is the only money I'm going to bring in to the family until next spring. Much to the shock and horror of my Canadian in-laws and friends. I swear, I'm going to hurt someone if we get off on that topic again tomorrow when my in-laws are here. No, I don't get paid maternity leave. Yes, it is awful that the US is like that. Yes, I do know that Canadians get lots of paid leave. Seems like I should get something for giving birth to a Canadian citizen though.

Feeding every hour and a half is still really hard. We made it through the night- only had to break down and give Ethan formula once. Daniel wants to take over one of the nighttime feedings for me, but I still really would need to get up and pump, since my supply is not well established, so I'm not sure if it's a good idea. But the thought of more than 45 minutes of sleep in a row is a bit seductive.

The in-laws are coming tomorrow. They're staying in a hotel, not with us, thank goodness. I'm not sure how the visit is going to go. Usually when they're here, we go out and shop and go to dinner. We're not really the "sit around and chat" types. Especially since I'm not that close with my in-laws. They're lovely people, but we sometimes have a bit of a language barrier, and we're still all a little scared of each other. Hopefully Ethan will be cute and well-behaved tomorrow and will keep us all entertained!

Our cats have decided that I cant feed the baby without them present. At every feeding I have one sitting on the couch behind me, and another sitting on the bed in front of me. I feel that they're judging my technique :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wednesday?

We had a doctor's appointment for Ethan this morning, and I'm pretty sure that the appointment was for Wednesday...

Things are going along fairly well here. Yesterday was kind of a rough day, but today is better. We got pretty good sleep on Sunday and Monday nights, and were in a bit of a routine with feedings every 2.5-3 hours or so. Ethan still wants to sleep all the time, so it was pretty quiet here between feedings. Then the public health nurse came to visit yesterday. Since we left the hospital 45 hours after his birth instead of 48, we qualified for a home visit. She weighed him and checked him out, and said that, due to his weight loss, he needed to be eating every 1.5 hours. She discouraged supplementing, since I needed to increase my milk supply.

So, the nurse left and we tried to feed every 1.5 hours, but I wasn't producing much, and Ethan was screaming and refusing to eat, and we were in a vicious cycle of crying and not eating. Finally we gave him formula at one feed time to get him calmed down, then went back to trying just breast milk. I had my first complete crying fit in the evening, because I was so frustrated by my inability to get him to eat, and my confusion about supplementing/not supplementing and trying to get him to gain the weight that he needs, and because I was in pain from the breastfeeding and the c-section and my fat legs/ankles. I eventually handed off the baby to Daniel and went and cried it out for a while, and felt much better. I hadn't cried since before we went in for the second induction attempt last week, so I think it was about time!

This morning the breastfeeding went a lot better and Ethan seemed satisfied with what I was producing, so we didn't need to supplement at all. Which is a huge relief. At this morning's appointment, he hadn't lost any more weight, but he's still down more than 10% since birth, so I get to keep up the feeding every 1.5 hours. Moo. Am a cow now instead of a hippo :) We'll go in to the doctor again on Monday to check his weight, and hopefully I'll be able to cut down on feedings a bit. That would be nice- I hate the fact that we have a baby that's such a good sleeper and we spend all our time trying to wake him up!

I've also learned the importance of staying on top of my pain meds and taking them as soon as it's time. Yesterday I let them get a little behind schedule, and I definitely paid the price for it. I don't need to be in pain on top of everything else, so today I'm watching the clock closely for my drug doses as well!

I do have one amusing story for today. One of my closest friends is the news editor at a newspaper in a very small town in central Illinois. The town is the type of place where everyone knows everyone else and most people are related to half the town or more. My friend had me send in Ethan's birth announcement, complete with our information and details on aunts, uncles and grandparents, none of which have any connection to the town whatsoever. And we included the photo of my half-Chinese baby with the announcement. Everyone is going to be so confused, trying to figure out who this kid is and why his birth announcement is in their local paper! It's going to be the highlight of my baby scrapbook :)

Monday, August 13, 2007

Yeah, I'm going to be one of those people


A cute picture of Ethan from this evening.


Birth story

Here's what I remember at this point!

So, as you all know, we went in for an induction attempt on Saturday the 4th. I was already dilated 3 cm and 60% effaced, so they went straight to pitocin. It didn't work, and they sent us home on Sunday and said to come back Wednesday. Then there was no space for us Wednesday, so we finally got in Thursday afternoon. Thursday they decided to do cervadil to see if that would have an effect, but nothing happened with the first dose. They decided to do one more dose, then would send me home again if nothing worked. I was being induced for hypertension, but my BP was fine last week, so there was no huge pressure. They spent some very painful time trying to install a foley bulb to dilate my cervix, but that didn't work. Hurt like hell though. Finally they started the 2nd dose of cervadil at around 4 AM, and I started having contractions at 4:30. Then by 6 I was hurting and at 7 I called for pain medicine. At which point my room filled up with doctors and nurses. Turns out I was hurting because my contractions were constant.

The baby's heart rate was decelerating with the contractions, so they pushed me down on the bed on my side and gave me a shot of terbutaline to STOP the contractions that we'd worked all week to get started. Things slowed down to a more normal rate after that. They ended up needing to put in internal monitors then to check the baby's heartbeat, so had to break my water. That was all pretty scary, since no one really was telling us what was going on. I got an epidural at 10 AM. I love the doctor who gave it to me. Labor hurts. I progressed really fast after that and was ready to push at 3. They had me wait until 4, just to rest a bit. I pushed for 4.5 hours, but the baby refused to come down. They gave me the choice of a c-section then, or more pushing with the high likelihood of an emergency c-section later. I chose then. But, when I got to the OR, my back started spasming from where I had strained it while pushing, so they ended up having to do general anesthesia to knock me out. So Daniel wasnt in the room. This turned out to be a good thing later, since the baby was still stuck, and it took 12 minutes to get him out. His first APGAR was a 5, but by the time I was awake, he was up to a 9. We found out later that it was a combo of his position and my body that were not letting him come out. They had to cut one of my abdominal muscles to get him out. I think it was holding him in behind my pelvic bone and not letting the baby descend. They even had to use the vacuum to get him out while doing the c-section. This is a problem we would have had even if we hadnt done the induction, and it might have been worse if he had been bigger. So, in the end the induction was a good thing.

We actually didnt find out until the next day just how scary everything had been, when one of the nurses who was in the c-section came back on duty and filled us in. They let us go home last night, finally. They wanted us to stay until this AM, but I was done with the hospital and ready to start trying to figure things out at home. We're doing well- Ethan is a great sleeper and eater. We're supplementing with formula until my milk comes in, since he was only 5 pounds, 15 oz, and cant really afford to lose any weight. He was 19 inches long. He's a total doll and we're in love. It was quite the ordeal to get him, but so worth it in the end!

Daniel is an amazing dad- he's having to do so much since I cant get around that well yet, and he's doing everything with such a happy attitude. I am so blessed! The only one not adjusting well so far is our cat Jenny. She seems really worried and starts crying every time the baby cries. Which, fortunately, is not that often.

I need to close and go sit. I seem to have had my grandmother's ankles and feet transplanted onto my body- FAT ankles!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

He's here!




We just got home so have a million things to do- I'll post the details later, but wanted to fill you all in on the main scoop! But the main point- Ethan was born at 10:03 PM on Friday, August 10th by C-section. We're all doing well. He's a precious baby- cant believe he's mine!
Ethan was 5 pounds, 15 oz and 19 inches long at birth. He's so tiny! So far he's a good sleeper- a little too good at times- he keeps forgetting to eat :)


I'll post again tomorrow.






Thursday, August 9, 2007

Me again

They still dont have space for us this AM, but they've had pity on me and told me to show up at 1 PM. So we have 5 hours to kill. We need to go find somewhere to walk. I think I've been on my feet 90% of my waking hours for the last 2 weeks. Anything to try to get this silly baby to move down!

Anyway, hopefully you wont hear from me again until there's a baby to announce. I'm not sure my mental state is up to anything else!

Thursday

Don't ask. I have no information. Maybe they'll have something when I call at 8? No luck when I called at 6. Daniel was sent back to bed, so it's just the cats and I roaming the condo at the moment.

I'm losing track of what day it is. With the exception of my weekend in the hospital, I've done pretty much the same thing every day since I stopped working last Thursday. And I really dont miss work yet. I get a little bored, but that's because of this infernal waiting.

Personally, I blame all this on my grandmother. Her 81st birthday is on Saturday, and she wants the baby to be born then.

I'll be back soon with more "news".

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Tomorrow?

The hospital called at 6 PM to tell us that we weren't going to get a spot today. Maybe tomorrow. So, I'm going to bed early, so that I can get up early and start calling to beg for a hospital bed!

Wednesday-part 2

Still no word from the hospital. I did talk to my doctor, and she seems to think we still need to go ahead with the induction this evening. To answer someone's question- I'm being induced slightly early (I'm due this Saturday), due to some ongoing high blood pressure problems. My small army of doctors decided that once I got past 39 weeks, there was no point in the baby staying put any longer, since my risk of complications from my blood pressure and risk of the placenta ceasing to function properly would just continue to rise as the pregnancy continued. Unfortunately, the baby seems to think otherwise.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions to rest. I did take a nap this morning and now am trying to part Daniel from his Blackberry long enough to eat lunch.

No space for us- again

Once again, the hospital is full. They said they might call me later this afternoon to get us in. I'm not 100% upset, because, honestly, I'm contemplating calling the whole thing off. I'm having a hard time getting in touch with my doctor right now to talk it over with her, but hopefully we'll manage to find her soon. I just don't see any point in putting myself through all this again, when we did everything medically possible on Saturday/Sunday, and made no progress. And I'm still not having contractions, and the baby is still very high in my body, so I don't see why this time would be any different.

Not to mention the fact that I'm incredibly discouraged, so I'm starting out this induction attempt in a bad mood, which cant be good for anyone. I just cant go through 2 more days of being stuck in a hospital bed, with a constant stream of new doctors and nurses telling me that what they are doing will work, when it's the same thing that the previous shift's doctors and nurses tried and which didn't work.

And, you know what else? I'm feeling guilty on top of everything, because my not wanting to do this has WAY more to do with my discomfort than about the baby. Everyone kept saying I must have been so upset that the last induction didnt work, because I didnt get to meet Lucky. And sure, that's part of it. But a small part. Mostly I was upset because the IV hurt and my hands are bruised and my feet swollen, and I had to run around with my bum hanging out of the hospital gown, and strange people were sticking their hands up inside me to torture my cervix, and it all made me feel about 3 inches tall and so so unhappy.

I'm a complete mess today.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Ice cream for breakfast

I just ate 1/4 of a small container of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream. The light version, at least. Daniel's gone to work today, so it's just me and the cats. I'm spending most of my time having a conversation with Lucky about the benefits of moving down lower in my abdomen. So far he's not buying it.

I have no idea what I'm going to do today with my free time. None. I need to find something to do, or else I'm going to sit around and think about tomorrow. Must find project.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Monday

Daniel and I both got a great night's sleep last night. I think I was asleep within about 15 seconds of lying down on the bed. It's nice to feel well rested today. We just returned from walking to the haircut place so that Daniel could get his haircut. Mondays are a great day to run errands like that, apparently. Everyone else is at work.

My only stress today is that my doctor filled out my short-term disability paperwork too soon and sent it off to the insurance company before she had the right info. I'm 99% certain that I said that it couldn't be filled out until after the delivery, but who knows. It's a good amount of money at stake here, so I'm a little worried about that. So now we're sitting around the house waiting for my HR department to call me back. We were heading out to walk the mall, but I'm too stressed to go have fun just now. Ugh.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Failed induction

We're back home. We finally got in to the hospital at 2:30 yesterday. They started pitocin at 5:45, since I was 3 centimeters dilated and 60% effaced. After a sleepless night of pitocin, and some mildly painful contractions, I was at 3 cm and 60% effaced. The doctors couldnt reach the membranes to strip them. So they tried more pitocin all day today, and this evening I was (shock coming here) 3 cm and 60% effaced. So they sent us home to rest and we'll try again on Wednesday. We're tired and a little discouraged. It was a pretty awful experience all together, and it's discouraging to think of doing it again in a few days. But hopefully this time we'll have a much better outcome.

Thanks for your thoughts and well wishes.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

This is nerve-wracking

I woke up a little after 5 and called L&D at about 6 to see if they had a space for me. They told me to call back at 8. I've been watching On Demand episodes of Flip this House while trying to not stare at the clock too much.

This is like the longest two hours ever. And I might have more waiting to go (yeah, I'm great at patience).

Friday, August 3, 2007

It's funny until it happens to you

Since I've been at the hospital twice a week for non-stress tests, I've had the opportunity to see a lot of other pregnant women and the chance to see several sets of couples heading home with their new babies. The latter group is my favorite thing to watch. Usually there's a dad carrying the bags (so many bags!) and a mom carrying the carseat. And both of them inevitably have this totally blank and shell-shocked expression on their face- and you can practically hear the thoughts: "They're just going to let us LEAVE with this baby?" and "Oh my goodness, what have we done." Like I said, it's been amusing until now. I'm guessing Sunday or Monday or Tuesday when it's me, I'm going to be less amused.

I'm on maternity leave now. Weird feeling. Have a NST this AM, then am hanging out with my best friend today (she's a school teacher, so she's off work). I've managed to convince her to go grocery shopping with me, then we're going to walk (must get this baby to move down!) and go to lunch too. I'm looking forward to it.

So, that's the update from here. I have to call tomorrow AM and see if they have a space for me. Then the fun begins!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Sleepless night

For once I cant blame the baby for my poor sleep. This time it's his daddy's fault.

I love my husband. He's a genuinely good, happy person. Always in a good mood. I've known him for 3.5 years, and his relentless cheerfulness still frightens me sometimes. I'm much MUCH more dark. But it works for us, most of the time.

Last night we were in bed and starting to drift off to sleep. He turned to me and said "So I've been thinking about this idea." I quickly asked what topic we were going to be on, because he has been known to totally lose me in these types of conversations. Turns out we were preparing to discuss website designs. He has an idea for a website- a pretty good one, actually. He explained the idea to me and we chatted about some of the logistics a bit. Then he said that he wanted to talk about it with a programmer friend and see if they could start working on a rough draft. Perhaps get some lower level programmers working on design and research. Which is where "Carrie-brain" kicked in. My husband is a dreamer at times, and I am a feet-planted-firmly-on-the-ground realist. It's been one of the larger challenges in our marriage- him presenting an idea and me already being 3 miles down the road of why it wont work. I tried to be good last night. I calmly mentioned that he needed to be careful, because as of Thursday, I'm out of work for 6 months, and even after that, my income after daycare costs wont be useful for much more than coffee money.

So, then he said "yeah, I'll probably do a lot of the research myself." That's the other thing that I really did not need to hear, that my husband, who already works way too many hours and needs to be surgically removed from his Blackberry, is making plans for things to do in his spare time. Which I'm betting he's not going to have a whole lot of as of next week.

That was my night last night, lying in bed, trying to not fret on his plans to spend money and time that we don't really have. I should know better than to worry, because he's one to put out big ideas, then when reality hits, he'll put things in the right place in his life. I know he's not going to be a hands-off dad, he's going to try to do too much- I'm going to have to keep an eye on him to make sure he gets enough rest and doesn't take on too many things around the house. And I know that his cheap side will prevent him from spending much of our savings. I hate the idea that I turned part of his excitement into more stress. I hate the fact that I cant just be more excited about his plans and trust that reality will kick in soon. I plead emotional instability.

Marriage is hard, sometimes, even when you're married to the world's calmest, nicest person.

I need a nap.