Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Last night we had an interesting commute home. We left work at 4:30 and went to the gym, where I got my typical stares from the other professional, downtown worker bees at the gym. I think the main thoughts are "wow- she's the size of a small hippopotamus" and "I really hope she doesn't go into labor while I'm working out on the elliptical trainer next to her". Then we headed to the bus stop, noticing many fire trucks and police cars, as well as some blocked off streets. Turns out there was a shooting 1/2 block from our bus stop, at 4:30. So if we'd gone straight home after work, it might have been a bit of a scary evening. Things had calmed down considerably by the time we got to our stop, but still a large police presence and crime scene tape and things like that. Then we almost got run over by a SUV while walking from the bus stop near our condo to my beloved grocery store. God certainly had angels around my little family yesterday.
Last night was kind of funny once we got home. I feel a certain amount of pressure to do stuff and go places this week. But once I work all day and then go to the gym and deal with the bus and the walk home, I just don't have any energy left. So, last night I was lying on the couch,w watching Antiques Roadshow (after finally getting around to dusting the living room!), and said to Daniel- "What do you want to do this evening." He, of course, threw the question back to me. To which I had to answer honestly "this!". It seems sad in some ways to spend my last few weeks of baby-free life, lying around on the couch watching PBS, but truthfully, that's more appealing than pretty much any other activity that I can think of. We're getting real cable on Wednesday, so I guarantee you that my evenings will pretty much remain the same the rest of the week.
Okay, I need to get to reading my contaminated site summaries. Nothing like reports about heavy metals in dirt to perk up your day! :)
Monday, July 30, 2007
I cant thank you all enough for your comments. It helps a lot to be reminded that the love I will feel for Lucky will far overwhelm my pain and discomfort and dislike of vomit and poop. Thanks for the practical comments too regarding recovery- good suggestions. I'll be logging on to my blog to re-read those next week, I'm sure! Thanks for reminding me to not hold too tightly to any particular ideas of how things are going to go. Being a control freak, I needed that. And thanks for reminding me that being a mom is a higher calling. My selfish nature is still fighting with the idea of losing my spare time and disposable income. I need to be shaken up sometimes and remember that being a mom is a job that God has called me to do.
Daniel and I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind regarding date nights and things like that. I know that keeping my marriage strong is one of the best gifts I can give this baby. I'm blessed to have had a great example of that- my parents have always been best friends and would rather be together than anywhere else. And while they've always loved and cherished my brother and I, we always knew that we did not rank higher in their lives than each other. Honestly, that gave us a lot of security and a feeling of real safety. I hope to be able to give my kid(s) the same sense of safety.
I have to get busy with work- mostly trying to find enough to do to keep busy through Thursday (I'm taking off Friday to obsessively clean the condo, and hopefully to have lunch with my best friend). If anyone else has any other advice- I'd love to hear it.
Oh, and to all of you who posted- I'm going to have to blame you when Daniel comes home from work and everything is a disaster- since you've all commented, now I have so many great blogs to read that I didn't know about before! :) I'm going to have to learn to feed the baby with one hand and work the computer with the other.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I asked Daniel what his main fears are, and they're "big picture" guy fears. Providing for his family, the baby's health, his ability to support me during childbirth and his general fear of seeing me in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I honestly think he may have the tougher part to play in the whole birth process. Standing by helplessly has got to be terrifying.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not even entirely sure that I can "vocalize" my fears into coherent sentences on this blog. Right now I'm not too concerned about anything in specific- we've had the childbirth classes and the parenting classes and the CPR class, so, in theory, I know what to generally expect from the birth and recovery, and I know there will be people around to help with breastfeeding if that doesn't go well. And I think I can figure out diapers and bathing and things like that.
I think my main, rather overwhelming, emotion right now is just the feeling of fear of finding myself again as a person, once I become a mom, and being a good mother. I'm 30 years old, I've traveled the world, lived overseas, have a master's degree and a job in a fairly demanding field. I've always been pretty good at things I do (with the exception of anything sport or outdoors related), and things have come pretty easily to me. But less than a week from now, I'm going to be a mom. And none of those other things that I've accomplished in life will matter. I'm going to be stepping into a job that I didn't go to school for, that I have no instruction manual for. And God has some pretty high expectations of Daniel and I as parents. We have to guide this baby not only in his physical life, but raise him to be someone who loves the Lord and follows Him.
We are really blessed to have a great church at which there has been a gigantic baby boom lately, so we're not going through this alone. I have a wonderfully supportive family that will encourage us and help us in raising the baby right. But in the end, it's not anyone's kid but God's, Daniel's and mine, and it's up to us to try not to screw him up too much.
I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself and my identity, and if I do that, how can I raise this kid properly. How can I be a good wife to Daniel if I don't know who I am anymore.
And, on a more shallow note, I'm concerned about the yuckiness of childbirth and the pain of feeding and all of the bodily fluids (mine and Lucky's) that I'm going to have to deal with for the next while. I don't like being dirty. I wear makeup everyday (in Seattle!) and fix my hair to run to the grocery store on the corner. I wear skirts and heels and pearls. I don't like dirt or snot or any of those things. Granted, I was an EMT and worked on an ambulance in college, so I have dealt with lots of yucky things, but it was always for a short time each week. This is long-term.
The pain of childbirth and the recovery also worries me a bit. I was having painful Braxton-Hicks for the first time yesterday, and they about kicked my butt. And those are like a -3 on the pain scale of 1-10, I know.
So, if anyone out there has any stories or suggestions or comments on my long rambling post, I'd love to hear them. I know in my heart that we will be fine. I know that God blessed us with this child and He's going to be there with us if we remember to turn to Him and keep Him as the head of our household. I know that I will gain strength and confidence as a mother and that Daniel and I will learn to make and stand up for the decisions that are right for our family. But it's still a scary week- just waiting for next weekend to arrive. I think that, as with most things, the anticipation is often worse than the actual event. And I know that I'm forgetting to factor in a big thing- the love that I'm going to feel for this little pooping, peeing, vomiting, crying creature. It's hard to wrap my brain around that now, to be honest. Right now I'm very fond of Lucky, but it's hard to truly, deeply love someone whom you've never met, and whose main past-time is headbutting your cervix. :)
Friday, July 27, 2007
I think that my mental slippage has been one of the most frustrating things about this pregnancy. Normally I have a great memory and can multi-task like crazy. I pride myself in my good work and rarely make errors. But since getting pregnant I make mistakes, forget words, cant remember things I worked on a week or two before, etc. This is why I'm taking 6 months off work, I know that it's all going to just get worse after the baby's born and I'm more sleep deprived than I am now.
I'm going to have to go get more chocolate to comfort myself. I don't like the feeling of messing up.
I'm finding myself to be surprisingly emotional as next Saturday gets nearer. This morning I felt like crying on my way to my NST, for no reason. Then I was in a bizarrely cheerful mood after that. Right now I'm just on a sugar high :) I think that my brain doesn't have the foggiest idea of how to process all that's going on right now. It's just too weird.
On the work front- I got the two reports sent off to clients that have been hanging over my head forever. It's such a relief to have those done and out the door. The people who would have gotten stuck with them after my departure are also very relieved.
People have been amusing me with their surprise/horror that I'm still working. Truthfully, I'm more comfortable at work than at home. One person suggested that I stay home and cook, another suggested that I stay home and relax. Cooking and relaxing are both foreign concepts to me, so neither suggestion was compelling enough to make me leave work early. I do need to clean the kitchen and bathroom floors this weekend, but other than that, we're mostly ready.
Hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy the sunshine (if you have sunshine where you are!)
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Waiting for a client phone call again. We have 3 expert reports in various stages of editing, all of which we're desperately trying to get out the door before I disappear. There's a certain frantic nature about all of it, both on my end and from my client. Hopefully we'll manage to get it all done today.
Someone asked if I would post pictures of the baby- I do plan to. After all, you all have put up with my whining and griping and general annoyingness for the last 8.5 months (THANK YOU!!!), so you deserve to see the end product.
I'm excited about this evening- I'm meeting some girlfriends for dinner at a shopping area just south of Seattle, and this area has some of my favorite stores. So I plan to hit Ulta and stock up on makeup and go to Babies R Us and buy a few things there, and go to Cost Plus World Market and get a mini bottle of champagne for celebrating once the baby is born. Then dinner with my friends! I finally let Daniel bring a bottle of wine home yesterday that he got for a Christmas gift. He doesn't drink, and since I couldn't, we just kept all alcohol out of our house. It was easier that way. I know I still wont be able to drink much after Lucky's arrival, but it's nice to know that I could have a small glass of wine if I wanted.
9 days!!! Seriously, how crazy is that!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
First- seriously people, I look pregnant. Please stop avoiding eye contact with me and making me stand up on the bus. It's really hard to balance on normal, flat, unmoving surfaces, much less on a moving bus. I'm making a mental note to teach Lucky to be chivalrous and to open doors for people and give up his seat on the bus to those older or sick or 9 months pregnant.
Second- the induction is on the calendar for August 4th! Which is shockingly close. I'm just hoping to dilate a bunch between now and then so that it'll go smoothly and wont be too long of a process.
I feel like I've been pregnant forever, so it's really hard to comprehend the idea of being done, and having an actual child. Too weird.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Daniel and I made it to the Bite of Seattle last evening. Every year there is a great Seattle chef who organizes an event within the Bite of Seattle, where you get to try a little taste from a bunch of his restaurants and other restaurants in the area. Proceeds go to charity, and the food is great, so we usually try to get there. It's been raining here all weekend, so we didn't think that we were going to make it to the outdoor festival, but finally the weather cleared enough yesterday for me to waddle over there. Then we came home and made root beer floats and watched Casino Royale (which I hated, incidentally).
I found out yesterday that my non-worrying husband has started worrying about being a parent. I have been checking in periodically to try to see how he's handling things, and up until now, he's seemed to be doing well. Turns out that he's finally seen the light and started worrying- he made a list for me yesterday, and his concerns continue on past the baby's graduation from high school. I was impressed, as I lack the energy to worry much past the next hour or so. :) We're doing lots of praying and are trying to leave these things in God's hands where they belong. Easier said than done.
The best thing about today so far- my coworker who usually uses the parking spot is gone all week, and I think I've guilt-tripped my other two coworkers into letting me us the spot all week. Riding the bus and walking to the bus stop is a miserable experience, so I'm eternally grateful. Makes the whole day better :)
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Last night, as I tried to be patient with Daniel for attempting to talk to me while I was clearly VERY busy reading, I realized that this was probably the last time for many years that I'll be able to stop doing everything else in my life, and just read. Not that there are many books that I would want to drop everything for, but still. I'm doubting that babies and kids really go for the "not now, honey, mommy's too busy reading a book to feed you excuse." I'm actually going to have real responsibilities soon!
Harry Potter 7 was great. A good ending to the series.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Off to a friend's baby shower today (she's due in 3 weeks, so cutting it close!). Looking forward to that. And another friend has her shower next weekend, and I'm really hoping to make it to that one as well. I'd only attended one baby shower in my life before this year, but now they're starting to grow on me.
Friday, July 20, 2007
I'm too tired to think of anything else creative to say. I hope you all have a great weekend.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
This morning's bus ride was very interesting. The bus was fairly crowded, but Daniel and I managed to get seats together near the front of the bus. About 30 seconds later, we realized that Daniel was sitting next to a gentleman who didn't smell that great. And who was muttering loudly to himself in Spanish. Carrying on a whole conversation. Which is not really that unusual on downtown buses, to be honest. But, then the gentleman pulled out a plastic bag full of weeds, just like the ones I used to pull out of my parents' yard when I was a kid, and began to eat them. It was a very interesting ride downtown.
More reasons why I love my husband and know he's going to be a great dad- last night we were watching TV, and I mentioned that I was having more Braxton-Hicks than usual. He looked at me with a look of total excitement and said "can I start timing them?" I informed him that they were very mild and I didn't usually notice a distinct start or stop, so they would be hard to time. He didn't mention it again. Until this morning, when we got off the bus (he decided to walk the extra few blocks to get a break from the loud Spanish conversation and weed eating going on next to him). Daniel turned and looked at me and said "do you think I might be able to time contractions tonight?" He's so darned cute!
Now I'm hoping even more to go into labor on my own and not have to be induced. This is going to be our only biological child, so I hate the thought of him not getting to have a real part in it (he does plan to cut the cord and do things like that after the baby is born). I need to figure out a way to get him more involved now. He does talk to the baby and ask how Lucky's doing, but due to his work load, he hasn't been able to come to my multitudes of appointments with me, so I think he's feeling a little out of the loop. Just a little while longer though, and he'll have plenty of involvement with the little one!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Not much to do at work again today. So, once again, I organized my office. It keeps getting untidy. My group laughed at me today during a group meeting, when I knew exactly how many days and hours I had left until I start maternity leave. As much as I'm in denial about giving birth/actually being a mom, I've sort of mentally moved on past this work thing. Although I really like my job, and I worked darned hard to get my degree and enter this field, I'm looking forward to my 6 months away.
Is it Friday yet?
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Happy Monday, everyone. Hope you have a great one.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I've not been posting much because I've been a little discouraged since Thursday. Turns out my Group B Strep test came back positive. The doctors tend to really downplay it, but I know that it can have some serious consequences for the baby if I don't get enough antibiotics during labor. It's not a huge issue, but it's just one more thing to be worrying about these next few weeks, and one more medication to be pumped into me during labor. I have to say, I've been blessed to have an easy pregnancy as far as typical pregnancy symptoms go. But these other issues are starting to get old! I hope this is a pretty healthy baby, because I'm getting a little tired of the hospital/doctor's office. Going three times a week now- so I'm pretty sure that I've been to more doctors' appointments in the last 6 months than I have in the whole rest of my life combined.
I think it's time to go do yoga! The cats love yoga, so they'll be thrilled. One of them likes to sit in front of me while I do yoga. She'll watch for a while, then will throw a leg over her head and start washing herself while in some contorted position. All the while giving me looks that say "I don't know what your problem is, this is easy!"
I leave you with a picture of Daniel and I, taken on Friday night. We realized that we had no pictures of the two of us during this pregnancy, so had a friend take a few. I'm getting pretty big! (36 weeks)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
A friend of mine asked me yesterday how it feels to know that my body is preparing itself for childbirth. Truthfully, really really strange. Mostly because I have no conscious part in the whole process. Here I am, going about my daily life- going to work, to the gym, out on mini-dates with Daniel, shopping, feeding the cats, and all the while, my body is going through this amazing process of growing a completely new human being, and preparing for his arrival into the world. To a control freak like me, that's all really amazing and humbling. My body knows the schedule for this whole childbirth thing- I didn't have to put anything on my Outlook calendar as a reminder to tell my cervix to start moving and dilating- I didn't have to nag the baby into dropping down, it all just happened.
I have to say, Psalm 139:14 has been in my mind a lot these days. God's ways really are amazing and incredible.
PS- Harry Potter 5 rocked.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
So, had an appointment this morning- looks like the baby has dropped and that I'm dilated about 1-1.5 cm (side note- internal exams=OUCH!!!). I know I'll probably stay at this point for a while, and it's too early for things to move much past that, but I'm reassured to know that the baby seems to know that he has to come out eventually. And, if I do end up being induced at 39 weeks for my BP (still pretty likely), it'll make things a little easier if my cervix/uterus/baby are already in general agreement with us about what needs to happen.
Another sign that my husband is not normal- last night it was somewhere over 80 in our condo. That's as high as the thermostat goes, and the needle has disappeared off the top of the thermostat. So we plugged in our little portable air conditioner, and I laid down right in front of it. Wearing as little clothing as possible, and freaking out every time a sheet or blanket touched me. I look over at Daniel- he's bundled up in blankets and sheets. And is using my giant self to block the AC breeze from reaching him. I know it's because he has no body fat and is therefore always cold, but still. That's just not right.
We're going to see Harry Potter tonight!!! I'm very excited about this. :)
Sunday, July 8, 2007
We had a really lazy day yesterday. I got dressed briefly in the morning to take the cat to the vet for her yearly checkup. And then we went to SushiLand for dinner, so I had to get dressed again later in the day. Since I cant eat much of the sushi at this point, I tend to spend my time there planning my post-baby dinner. SushiLand is across the street from our condo, so when my parents visit 2 weeks post-birth, Daniel and I plan to leave the baby with them and run out for a quick bite to eat. I've already mentally decided on some nice salmon, spicy tuna rolls, and sake to wash it down. Yum.
I'm sitting here watching my stomach go through some seriously odd contortions. Lucky apparently is trying to get comfortable in there, and it seems to involve a lot of shifting about, which makes this odd lump shape move across my belly every few minutes. Very strange.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I just got completely worn out walking three blocks to get lunch. We really need to schedule naptime into the modern American workday.
We had a good 4th- spent a relatively quiet morning at home. I waddled to the grocery store, came home, made a red potato and asparagus salad for the BBQ we were going to, worked on organizing some of the closets in the condo (we're out of space!), went to the BBQ and saw out of town family, came home and sorted through more hand-me-down baby clothes. Then we watched the two nice sets of Seattle fireworks from our building's roof. Where it was about 20 degrees cooler than inside. The needle on our thermostat is so high that you can barely see it in the little window anymore.
This morning we woke up early, thank goodness, because by 7 AM, there were 3 Hispanic construction workers standing on the scaffolding outside our bedroom and living room windows, and doing something with the window frames. Our cats are totally freaked out.
Not sure what tonight has in store. We're supposed to go to the gym, but I just don't know if I can handle it. And, unfortunately, it's a ride-the-bus evening, which can be okay, but people haven't been giving me a seat, and it's tough to stand that long, especially in the heat (disclaimer- I do realize it's not really that hot in Seattle. But we don't have air conditioning at home, and I'm a 5th generation Northwesterner, so I'm genetically incapable of dealing with weather above 70 degrees under normal circumstances, much less 8 months pregnant). Whatever we end up doing, I guarantee that eating ice cream will be on the schedule somewhere!