I've been thinking a lot about high school lately. High school wasn't a bad time for me, just not the best part of my life to date. My friends and I were kind of in the middle of the high school popularity totem pole- not the super nerds, but not the cool kids either. We were in a lot of classes with the cool kids, and they seemed to like us, but we definitely were not part of their group. We just kind of existed in our own little middle world. I think high school was uncomfortable in some ways for me, just because I was very unsure of myself. I'm a bit of a late bloomer- didn't really figure out who I was until my mid-20s. Then I really started to like myself and develop some self-confidence. Or so I thought.
Then a couple of things happened. One of those things is Facebook. I've been having fun messing around on there, and finding old friends from way back when. Yesterday I located a girl that I babysat for when she was 5. She's turning 18 next week. I'm trying to not think about how old that makes me. I've found a lot of other people on there, including people that I went to high school with. And I find my old insecurities popping up. I sit at the computer and think "oh no, I cant send that person a friend request, they were cooler than I was in high school." And I don't send the request!! This morning I actually got a friend request from one of the cool people, and it totally confused me. I found myself thinking "there has to be some sort of mistake, she couldn't have wanted to add me to her list."
The other thing that's been causing me to revert to my high school level of self-confidence is my PEPS (a Seattle Moms' group) group. Don't get me wrong, I completely like and respect all of the women in the group. They've been a fabulous source of support and information for 3 months. But being at the group makes me feel like I'm back in high school. Most of the women in the group are back to their pre-baby weights, they all wear very expensive clothes and drive very nice cars, and live in houses about 10 times the size of mine. As I've said before, we're not poor, but we're having to cut back a lot right now,so my lifestyle is very different from theirs.
So I go to the group, and I just sit there feeling insecure and adolescent and poor and fat. And that's kept me from making friends in the group, and that makes me frustrated, because I feel like I missed out on a good opportunity.
When do we actually get past our teenage images of ourselves? Why does it pop up years after we thought that it was done away with? How do I get back to seeing myself with a more realistic perspective?