Friday, November 2, 2007

Performance review

I had to do a self-evaluation as part of my annual performance review for my job. This was not my most career-oriented year, to say the least, so the evaluation was kind of laughable at times. But I got it done, and that makes my supervisor happy, and that's good.

But it got me thinking. I need a 90-day performance review for this job, this motherhood thing. What other job hires you full-time, permanently from day 1 and lets you do a job that you're utterly unqualified for, with no supervision and no 90-day evaluation from someone with job experience. I need validation and kudos! I need a raise! :)

Overall I've just had a lot on my mind lately. A good friend of mine is in a situation which has been prolonged and painful and now seems to be going in a direction that I really hoped it wouldn't go. And I'm sad. And I'm having to keep myself away from the situation for my own mental well-being. Which is hard, and possibly not the right thing to be doing right now, but I've run out of things to say to her about it. She's an adult and gets to make her own decisions. Darn it. I still love her and communicate with her about other things, but not this particular part of her life. And I don't know how that's going to affect our friendship.

As for motherhood, boy do I miss the part of life where there were right and wrong answers about things. Parenthood pretty much seems to be trying to find the right shade of grey for yourself and your family- there are very few situations when the answer really is as simple as black or white. I like absolutes and facts and things like that, so it continues to overwhelm me at times.

One of the decisions that I'm going to have to make soon that has no right or wrong answer is about my job. I love my job (for the most part), although it's challenging and stressful and tiring too. But, if I just go back to work part-time, after we pay for daycare 2-3 days a week, I'll be bringing home just a few hundred dollars per month. Which doesn't seem worth the effort. I can make that much working on an on-call basis from home, which is what I'm doing now, but it's challenging to work in such a small condo with a baby, and will get harder as he gets bigger and more mobile. The third option, of course, is resigning altogether for a few years, and going back to work when Ethan goes to school. Which has a whole 'nother set of issues that comes with it (such as the fact that I would probably go stark raving mad)
They tell you that life will never be the same. Boy, they weren't kidding.

I think about these things all day, then we get to the evening. And I'm sitting on the couch with Daniel and Ethan and the cats, and I realize that they are what matter in my life right now, and the other stuff will sort itself out with lots of prayer and time and patience. I'm blessed beyond what I ever imagined in my wildest dreams.

So, that's all for me for this afternoon. We're having friends come over for dinner tonight, so I need to stop contemplating and go dust. Our poor friends cant make it to our place until 7:30, and we're practically comatose by 9, so they might not get much intelligent conversation from us. I hope you all have a great Friday- I'll send you out into the weekend with a picture of my darling Ethan in his Halloween costume.

1 comment:

mary said...

I love the costume!