Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Treading water

Can you believe this little one is 2 months old already?

This week I feel like I'm treading water in my life- which is actually a HUGE improvement over the last few months when I felt like I was drowning. Ethan and I are doing better with getting out during the day, and I've been able to do things like work a few hours here and there and go to the gym some evenings after Daniel gets home from work.

However, I'm still struggling with the aspect of my personality that has to have everything 100% done, all the time. Any little thing in my house that's needing to be cleaned/fixed/organized/put away/washed/etc., I feel like it has to be done right that minute. So, I'm either starting a project (or 17) during Ethan's naps, and getting annoyed when he wakes up before I'm done, or I'm exhausting myself in the evenings when Daniel's home to hold Ethan. And, of course, the to-do list is never ending, since I have a 2-month old baby and there is always laundry and dishes, even if everything else is clean.

I'd like to be able to convince myself to just let it all go and set realistic goals. But so far, I haven't been able to do that. Honestly, it seems to be getting worse as time goes along and I'm getting more sleep and have more energy. I feel this overwhelming need to do things. Everything. All at once.

I'm worried about what's going to happen when I go back to work more than the random hours that I'm working now. I'm scared that I'm going to sacrifice my time with Ethan to doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom and putting pictures in an album (all things that have taken over my mind this week). Balance has never been my strong point- obsessive behavior is more my forte.

I really hope that it's not too late to learn to relax and sit still and just enjoy life without my to-do list scrolling through my mind. I'm going to take a first step right now, and turn off the computer for the rest of the night and try not to worry about the fact that I didn't get the bathtub cleaned today. Easier said than done, but I have to start somewhere.


Karen said...

It all takes time, SuperWoman. Finding a rhythm takes time.

Have you considered getting a wrap like the Moby D or something? That way you can carry Ethan hands free and still do things around the house. And he gets the closeness he seems to need so much.

I have the opposite problem, I leave too much undone every day.

Karen said...

that picture is precious, by the way.

Carrie said...

Yeah, if I just had any sort of patience, I might be okay with finding my new life rhythm slowly. Trying to learn patience and perspective at once is challenging though.

Thanks for your comment on the picture. We have few pictures of me and Ethan, since I'm usually the one taking photos. So I'm trying to be more conscious of that.