According to some of the comments on my past posts, the things I've been thinking about and experiencing are not too weird- they're just part of my new life as a mom. Thanks to all of you for reassuring me that I'm not crazy.
So, here's the summary of what I have learned in 10.5 weeks.
Motherhood is being disturbed by my body with its sagginess and flabbiness, yet still being amazed by what my body has produced every time I look at my son. And it is being proud that I feed him every day, and feed him well, with this body that I don't entirely recognize.
Motherhood is being tired on the mornings when I have to get up at 2 AM to feed Ethan, but on the mornings when I haven't gotten up in the middle of the night, motherhood is the part of me that worries about his silence before reveling in my lack of exhaustion.
Motherhood is doubting the decisions that I make, while at the same time knowing that I'm the one that needs to make decisions for Ethan, and that I am more qualified than anyone else to do so.
Motherhood is craving my husband and loving him for helping me have such a beautiful baby, yet at the same time blaming him for getting me pregnant in the first place (even though it was kind of my idea- I've just rewritten history a bit) and having an overwhelming fear of ever getting pregnant again.
Motherhood is being overwhelmingly frustrated with his crying and needing to get out of the condo- away by myself- anywhere- please, then missing him when I'm gone and enjoying my return more than I did my exit.
Motherhood is taking pride in my well-fed baby and piles of clean laundry, even though part of me misses the paychecks and status that went along with my job.
And, most importantly, motherhood is knowing that I don't know anything- that I have so much to learn, from Daniel, from Ethan, from older mothers, from people around me. And it's knowing that I will pretend to know everything for as long as I possibly can, and that I will be sad on the day when Ethan finally figures out that I've been faking all along.