Saturday, October 20, 2007

Conflicting needs

I have two needs these days- sleep and time to myself. Right now it's 11:30 PM, my husband is asleep (mostly), my baby is asleep (hallelujah) and I am awake, playing on the computer. The reason that I am awake and playing on the computer is simple- my husband and baby are asleep. I love them both dearly, but when they are awake, they are either demanding my attention or just generally making noise and being distracting. This is not their fault. After all, we live in a 900 square foot condo, so we are frequently getting in each other's way.

But, right now, they're asleep, and I am free to do whatever I want. I have no distractions and no one bothering me. Other than our two completely insane cats, who are chasing each other around the house at the moment.

I find that I crave this time- the time to just play and blog and read and zone out. I also find that at 2 AM when the baby needs me again, I regret taking this time. Nevertheless, here I am again, on the computer instead of sleeping. My beloved just stuck his head out of the bedroom a minute ago to see why I was still up (I so should have lied and claimed the baby was keeping me up- would have gotten sympathy points then!) and asked if I was coming to bed soon. I do like to snuggle with him, so I'm sure my alone time will soon end.

Is this what motherhood is? A constant weighing of needs to see which one wins out at the moment, never mind the price that will be paid when other needs aren't met?


BJ said...

In many areas, yes, it is. Sometimes it's your children's needs vs. your own (ie: your husband gives you x amount of dollars for groceries, but you also need to get your son who has outgrown all but his church pants some clothes as the seasons have changed AND you also need to get a refill on your anti-depressants which you've already been off for a few days because they ran out....what do you buy???) and yes, even conflicting personal needs. I am the same - everyone in my house is sleeping and I'm up when I *should* be sleeping. I am learning to not overdo it, to only stay on for a while, but I so crave some quiet. The kids and I get up at the same time. I know in reality I will still be tired, so I usually choose some alone time over an extra half hour or hour of sleep.

carrie said...

You nailed it!

I NEED my alone time. I always have though, even before motherhood, but now I find that if I go too long without any, I am not good for anything.

You can find a good balance though, and you will!

Karen said...

Yeah, what they said. You will find the balance, but it takes time.