Monday, May 21, 2007

Monday- post #2

So, to start out the post, I should say that they found me work for today. Unfortunately, it has involved me sitting around all afternoon reading articles about birth defects and stillbirths. I didn't need this today. I know it's my job, and I need to just try to detach myself, which sometimes I can do quite well, but today I am failing miserably at that.

I think I'm reacting so strongly because the further into this pregnancy, the more scared and overwhelmed I feel. I'm not excited about Lucky being born. I love him and want him to be here, but that's mostly because I hate being pregnant. But the thought of delivering him scares me, the thought of being stuck at home with a newborn nauseates me, and I have yet to get really excited about anything in this pregnancy. Someone made the comment to a friend of mine that I didn't know what I was getting myself into regarding the poopy diapers and vomit and such. And I'm sure I don't, but I don't feel like I'm particularly naive. I've spent a lot of time around babies and kids, and I know what they're capable of. Which is why I'm so horrified at the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I'm not really worried by being caught off guard by things, because, really, I'm completely expecting the worst from the rest of the pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding/sleep deprivation.

And, I'm getting to the point where I have to no longer deal with things by not thinking about them. I have to get ready. And I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to think about the delivery and make a birth plan. I about hit my husband on Saturday when he came back from his Daddy Bootcamp and was discussing the benefits/drawbacks of episiotomies. I told him that he was allowed to give his opinion, but since it was my private areas that will be cut/torn, he is not allowed to make the final decision. Then I proceeded to try to block the whole thing out of my mind. Which I cant do! I have to make a decision (which may or may not even work out in the end). I don't want to go to baby care classes because I'm already dreading the whole baby thing so much that I don't want any more information to freak myself out further.

I sound like a terrible person in this blog, I know. But I'm just so overwhelmed by all these thoughts. And my husband never worries. About anything. Ever. I'm glad he's so calm, it's a good balance, but being the only one freaking out gets old.

What if my dislike of kids doesn't go away with Lucky's birth? Everyone keeps telling me it will be different because he's mine, but what if they're wrong? Why can't I get excited about any of this? What if it is as awful as it all sounds?

We have another ultrasound tomorrow and an appointment with my hypertension folks. Hopefully Lucky's grown since the last ultrasound (he was small for his gestational age 7 weeks ago at the last scan). Hopefully my heart and BP are still okay. I don't think I can handle any more stresses right now.

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