The traveling one

I remember thinking several distinct thoughts at some point in my early relationship with Daniel. One thought was "I'm so glad he's happy in his career and that he also hates reading and studying and will never go back to grad school."  The other was "I'm so glad he works for a company that doesn't require him to travel."  My dad didn't travel much when I was a kid, but he did go to grad school several times and then my mom did as well when I was in high school. It wasn't bad, just busy.  And I have friends whose husbands travel a lot and it doesn't look like much fun for those at home.

Those thoughts came to mind this week as I'm preparing to travel again next week, this time being away from home for 5 full days.  My in-laws will come down before I leave and be here until just hours before I get back, so Daniel will have help.  Last time I traveled for work he went up to Canada.  He's got a job he can do from home and he works approximately 100,000 hours per normal week, so it's not like he's getting in trouble for only working 80,000 hours per week while he juggles the kids. 

And I juggled grad school  and work and kids and the review blog for the past 9 months. And if I can do it, he certainly can. But still. I feel a little guilty. I'm the stay-at-home mom, and I'm flying off on another trip without the family. (Being a stay-at-home mom and a travel writer at the same time is weird). 

Daniel is uber-supportive and I couldn't do any of this without him.  I just never expected to be both the one in grad school and the one traveling away from the family.  It's not bad, just not where I expected to be.

But in other news, I get to go on a hot air balloon ride on this next trip! BEST JOB EVER!!!!

In which I feel like a failure and then get annoyed at myself for feeling like a failure and feel worse.

Three years ago I ran in the Free Them 5K, a race that raises funds and awareness to fight human trafficking. That event pretty much turned my life upside down and led to me applying for grad school to study public policy.  It's a really important event to me and I believe in it thoroughly.

Except it's coming up this Saturday and I do not want to run it.  Correction, I don't want to show up and have to walk it, because the main thing that has not been making the cut on my to-do list is exercise. I was doing pretty well until the great plague of March, and then I just never got back into it. And now we're just a few days out and I'm going to be lucky to just walk the 5K.

But then I get annoyed at myself for beating myself up about that.  And the vicious cycle of feeling like a failure continues. 

I'm not even dealing with grad school right now, but for some reason I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Post-semester stress disorder?  :)  I don't actually even have that much going on right now and I generally get my to-do list finished every day, and occasionally I even remember that dinner exists and that I have to cook it before 7 PM (not often, but occasionally). 

I wish I could cut myself some slack. I just can't seem to convince my brain that it's okay to not be great at everything.  I just want to do everything perfectly and get so upset at myself when I can't. Or in this case, when I was lazy and didn't put effort into something that matters to me.

UGH. 

Sunshine!

So I went to San Antonio last week. And three of the four press people that were on the trip were from the Pacific Northwest.  So it, of course, rained for most of the time we were there. We accepted the blame.  Fortunately, I returned to sunshine.  But the sunshine is making me do weird things. Like finally call the dentist to schedule a cleaning appointment (afraid of making phone calls, not afraid of the dentist).  And making plans with the next door neighbor for dinner! 

Our poor next door neighbor. We've been making plans with her and postponing for weeks. But I was having massive allergy issues, then Daniel got slammed at work, then I was finishing my semester, then I went on my trip, and now things are finally slow enough to stop and take a deep breath and socialize.  She seems very nice, so I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. And I've decided that it's time to finally hire a babysitter, so also looking forward to getting to know her teenage daughter.  For all my talk about putting marriage first, that hasn't really been the reality.  In truth, I'm so worn out by the time Daniel gets home that I'm not a very interesting person to hang out with. And our weekends have been filled with separate activities. So it's time to hire a babysitter and go spend some quality time together. Until I fall asleep in my dinner.  Whatever.

In other news, Daniel took this picture of the kids this past weekend and I LOVE it. It sums up everything about my kids' personalities.  Ethan is outgoing and loves hamming it up for the camera and being around people. Vivian is more reserved and cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to do. Especially if strangers may be in the vicinity. And Ethan wears brown, black or yellow all the time, while Vivian prefers more colorful outfits (to put it mildly).

I love these two!

In which I come thiclose to forgetting to send my son to school today

I'm leaving tomorrow morning, freakishly early for a press trip to San Antonio.  You can be a little jealous.  San Antonio sounds fabulous and I will be having fun.  (Note- I promise, press trips are definitely work. I'm not going off on vacation, my days are scheduled by someone else for 14 hours at a time.  But it is the best work ever.  I'll accept that.)

So I got up this morning and had a snuggle with the kids and then the cat came in and was yelling at us about getting her treats and we didn't respond in a manner she approved of, so she wet on the bed. That we were lying in.  I actually appreciate it when things like this happen the day before I am leaving. Makes it easier to leave.  Vivian decided to bite Ethan today too, so she's doing her part.

And then I was trying to pack myself and wash the sheets and figure out what  I was missing from my suitcase. And get the kids stuff organized so that Daniel doesn't have to deal with too much while he works from home with them underfoot. And I was writing schedules down for school pickups and drop offs and suggestions for lunches and dinners.  I even told Ethan he could wear a shirt today that he's not allowed to wear out in public. And I didn't comb my hair after my shower, or put on makeup (I always wear at least a little makeup).

Then I made the kids lunch and sent them off to sit outside and was making my lunch. Then it finally dawned on me that Ethan had school today too! And the bus would be here in 10 minutes.  So then we kicked it into high speed and made it outside with enough time for a short baseball game.  Whew. 

So now I'm almost packed and the to-do list is almost checked off. 

On another note, can I say how very, very much I love having two preschoolers?  I can sit and have conversations with them (definitely Vivian more than Ethan. He usually has a pressing need to go find something to crash).  And they play together so well, making up games and silly scenarios.  They have been pretending to be zoo animals a lot lately. I'm never quite sure what to expect when I go upstairs.  They laugh together and fight like crazy and hit and bite and at the end of the day, they beg to both be able to sleep in Ethan's big bed.  Separating them is about the biggest punishment that I can apply to them (most of the time).  It makes that whole two kids under 2 thing that we went through back in 2009 totally worth it! I think I might actually miss them a little faster than usual this trip.

Happy Summer Vacation to me!

I actually got out of school for my summer break on Friday.  Which, coincidentally, was the last day of my kids' Spring Break.  East Coast school and semesters adds up to early escape for me!  And the sun is shining today and it's lovely, so I'm feeling very summery.

We're not outside though, because I'm catching up with the many, many small tasks that I've been letting slide since Spring Break.  Just minor things like balancing the checkbook :)  Oh, and SO MUCH LAUNDRY.  Not that I've been putting laundry off since Spring Break. But the pile is big enough that that would be believable.

I'm also working on packing, because I'm off to San Antonio to attend Fiesta! on Thursday.  San Antonio has been on my wish list for ages, so I'm super excited.  And Daniel, my fabulous husband, is going to juggle things here and work from home and manage all the kids stuff. He's never actually been home alone with them overnight- his parents usually come down when I'm gone.  But I typically pretend to be allergic to all the kids' bedtime routines, so he manages that all anyway.  Oh, and nothing ever fazes him, so he'll be fine. They probably wont even notice that I'm gone. 

Vivian's begging to go to the playground, so I should stop wasting time and get out in the sunshine. She asks to go, even though I warned her that there will be other kids at the playground, and she is, as a rule, against going to the playground when there are other children around. She is SO my kid :)

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